Settling a child into day care

How can we make the transition easier for the child? 

Phase one: start reading books to the child about going to kindergarten, this is a good way of introducing the idea to him/her or watch programs where children are in nursery. 

Phase two: The child goes to kindergarten with the mother. The child meets the new teachers and children and the main- teacher will be introduced too. For a week the mother will go to kindergarten with the child. At the beginning the mother will be more dominate but later on the mother will just sit on the chair, watch her child play with the other children. Important in this phase is that the main teacher is available to the child and takes responsibility. The interaction between mother and teacher can insure the child that the teacher can be trusted. 

Phase three: The mother comes to kindergarten with the child but leaves the child for a couple of hours alone. Here it is very important that the main teacher gives clear signals that the child is able to turn to her/him if needed. The mother needs to stay available for the kindergarten to call her to come back if needed. If the child is not able to be alone in the kindergarten one should return to phase one. Otherwise this phase should continue for a week or two depending on the child. Every couple of days the hours of the mother not being there should be increased.  

Phase four: Mother brings her child to kindergarten and says goodbye. It is important that the main teacher is available to comfort the child especially after saying goodbye but also throughout the day. Also in this phase the mother should stay available by phone to come back if the child is inconsolable. Make sure you pack a comfort toy at the beginning. It is something familiar and is something from home. It will help the child to say goodbye and during the day the child can hold it and cuddle it when needed. 

How to help your grandchild through a divorce

Grandparents can play an important role for grandchildren whose parents are getting a divorce. 

Why?
Often the grandparents are the most important caregivers within the family (after the parents of course). You are the person who knows the child the longest and you have had the most consistent relationship to the child after the parents. And now the child can experience that even if his/her parents separate there are family relationships that remain the same. This can give your grandchild security which is important in his difficult time.

It is not going to become easier

You have to realise that grandparenting becomes more complicated if your child is getting a divorce. You will be afraid to seem disloyal towards your child if you visit your grandchild at your child's ex-spouse. You will worry about the other grandparents feelings like they do not see their child enough or you will worry that you have share your little time with your grandchild with them and then of course you are afraid that your child's ex- spouse will not let you see your grandchild on a regular basis. And as I said before your relationship to your grandchild becomes more important. It is not anymore  just about babysitting, making your grandchild his favourite food and buying presents. You have a bigger responsibility now or not, if you do not want to. But I am guessing you would not be reading this if you did not want to help your grandchild. 

What can you do for your child? 

Help out at home and just be there

The single parent often lives under economic pressure and needs more support in everyday life. You can ask yourself if you would like to help this parent by looking after the child/children once a week after school or nursery so that the parent can emotionally "recharge". If you have the ability you can try to support the family financially in order to provide the grandchild with certain options e.g. Dance lessons, private tutoring, etc.. 
Be there for your child. As I said in my earlier post it is an emotional and stressful time for your child. Your child is not expecting any advice what he/she really wants is just someone who will listen to not just her problems but also her worries about the children (e.g. how they are going to handle the divorce, is it going to have a negative effect on them...)

What can you do for your grandchild? 

Be the oasis of no change

Your house should be a place where everything has remained the same as before. Maybe it will be your grandchild safe place. A place where your grandchild will be able to talk about his feelings. But do not force them to talk about it if they do not want to. Do not ask questions if they do not bring up the topic. A safe place also means a place where they do not have to think about everything that is going on at home, a place where for a while everything is just fine. 

Talk to your child about your grandchild 

If your grandchild brings up something important in a conversation to you try to talk to your child about it. Ask yourself first will it be possible to change the situation or is it important for his/her situation that the parents know about it?! And only if the answer is yes, then you should try talking to your child about it. Try doing it in a non accusing way as the divorce and everything around is a sensitive topic for your child. He/she might be upset that your grandchild was not able to talk to him/her. 

Make your grandchild feel it is okay however he/she feels. 

Often children feel like they are not allowed to feel a certain way  for example if he/she is angry with the parent who has left, or if he/she does not wants to live with daddy and not with mummy. It is important that your grandchild has a place where he/she can express his/her emotions. 

Soothing a colicky baby

I am sorry to tell you that nothing will work like magic. Every child is different and it is just try and error. Here are some things that you can try or tell your daughter/ daughter-in-law to try out, I hope that something will work. 

Often the baby swallows a lot of air and get terrible wind. So you can try using a hot water bottle. Do not use boiling water because it will be too hot for the baby. Wrap the bottle in a towel and place it on you and then lie the baby on you. You probably know from yourself when you have wind that warmth makes you feel better. It's worth a try. 

Try massaging the tummy. Warm your hands before you touch your babies tummy and then gently massage him. It might release trapped wind. 

Bath you baby. You should only try that if your grandchild likes bathing. My little boy hated bathing, he used to cry through it. But if the baby enjoys bathing it can help him/her relax. 

You have to accept that sometimes you can not soothe your grandchild. He/She will cry and you won't be able do anything about it. Stay calm and just be the baby. I know it is hard to bare the crying but your grandchild will know that you are there. Try to contain him/her.

You can try swaddling your grandchild. They say it is like being back in the womb. I tried swaddling my boy but it does not do anything. It actually makes him more upset. Some people swear on it and they say their baby sleeps through the night because they swaddle him/her. You just have to try it out. 

Try different positions. Try to figure out in which position your grandchild is most comfortable. I found out that kangarooing soothes my baby. Kangaroo care means that your chest is bare and the baby is naked too. The skin to skin contact and hearing my heart beat calms him down and I enjoy it too.

White noise should help soothe a child but it drives me mad!! I found on YouTube eight hours of white noise. It might have soothed my baby but it definitely did not calm me down. I put music on that I listened to when I was pregnant. Research showed that music that you listened to while you were pregnant soothes the baby because they somehow remember it. 

Start moving! A vibrating infant seat, put him in the car and drive around, put him in a swing. I heard once a mother put her baby in the carseat and let him sit on the dryer when it was on. She felt guilty about it but I think if it does not harm the baby and it calm him/her down then do it and do not feel bad about it. You can also try putting the baby in a sling and carrying him/her around. That is how you can get things done too.

My husband welcomed me yesterday in the world of colicky babies. I studied psychology, I heard about what colic means. I read about it, tried to think of different ways of soothing a child. Now I am actually in the situation and I just think you had no idea what you were talking about. So all I can say now: try to stay calm and get help from family or friends. 

Was your child colicky? Or your grandchild has colic? What helped, what did not? Share with us your experience and help other grandparents and parents!!!

10 great ways to help out

1. Ask before coming over. It is great for the new parents to have you around and help out and of course you also want to spend time with your grandchild. It is important though that you respect that they might have plans or they just want to be for themselves so before coming over call and ask if it is a good time for them.

2. Babysitting is a great way for you to spend time with your grandchild and your daughter/daughter-in- law is able to catch up with sleep or have a shower in peace without being afraid that she won't hear the baby cry. 

3. Go shopping. If you have been out with a baby recently you know how difficult it is to do anything really. Shopping is stressful because you are trying not to wake the baby while looking at the shelves, trying to figure out what you need to buy. And as soon as you stop you hear the baby waking up so you race around the shop like a mad man and in the end you don't buy anything you really need. Then you arrive home, thankfully the baby is still sleeping and you try carrying the baby and the shopping into the flat. I live on the forth floor without a lift so you can imagine how thankful I am when someone else goes shopping for me.

4. Make dinner or lunch. As my baby was a preemie our baby had to stay in hospital for nearly two months. We left the house at 7 and I spent all day with the baby in hospital. My husband used to come after work and we left the hospital normally at about 11 to go home. We did not have time to go shopping or make food. Unfortunately our families don't live near us so most of the time we did not have one of our mothers here to mother us. But my husband thankfully has great colleagues and they prepared us food for us. It was amazing and I was/am very thankful to them. So I think it is a great way to help out. It is one thing less one has to worry about!

5. It is important that you help out because YOU want to. You probably have your own life, maybe you are still working so if it does not fit into your schedule don't pressure yourself to go over. 

6. Encourage your daughter/ daughter-in-law that she is doing great. Try to create an environment where she feels safe and confident. It will make her like having you around.  

7. Spend time with the older children! is the new baby is the second, third or forth then the older children will need your attention more then ever because their mother and father (especially their mother) have a lot to do with the new baby. Take them out in the afternoon, pick them up from nursery or school, be there or them.

8.Deal with the washing. Do you know how much washing a baby creates? I really did not think it was as much as it is. When you go over put a load of washing on or fold the clean washing that has been sitting in the dryer for the whole day. I am sure it will be very much appreciated!!

9.Go shopping for clothes with your daughter/daughter-in-law. Not immediately after birth but a couple of months later her pregnancy clothes will be too big for her but her old normal clothes will still not fit her. Suggest going shopping with her. Your job will be to be with the baby while she is trying on clothes. 

10. Keep your opinion to yourself. Do not be judgmental about decisions they make. But if you really feel like you need to share your opinion think before you speak. Try to find a way of sharing without being judgmental. Ask yourself how you would have wanted your mother/mother-in-law to speak to you when your children were little. Maybe ask them if you can tell them what you think and respect if they ask you not to. 


I think one of the most important thing to remember is that you should help out because you want to not because you feel obligated. AND ENJOY YOUR GRANDCHILD! They grow up so quickly. 

Are you a grandparent?  Tell us what did your family want you to help out with? Or are you a mother or a father then tell us how your parents helped or did not? what is a no go for you?