Grandchildren of divorced parents

I was not able to post anything yesterday because I was ill and could not do anything but lie in bed. So me and my little boy spend all day in bed. He was a really good boy. I think he knew I was not feeling well. Today I am writing something about grandchildren of divorced parents. 

A  lot of marriages end in divorce. I do not think it is relevant to bring up numbers as it is not important for the subjet.
So let us first see what it means for the family.

For the spouses a divorce is a  very emotional time especially if one of the spouses does not want to separate. They have to deal with feelings of resentment, anger and loss. But also if both parents agree to the divorce the transition is difficult for them.The spouse relationship does not exist any more but the parental relationship has to continue. It is very difficult for spouses to achieve that. The single parent often feels overwhelmed and the parent who is not entitled to custody feels isolated from the child.

Divorce is a process: at first the spouses think about separation but they are still ambivalent, second they go through with the separation and one of the spouses has to move out of their joint house and third the legal divorce. The legal divorce often is a fight about money and custody of the children. In all three phases the needs of the child stay unnoticed.

For the child the divorce of the parents is very stressful. The only form of a family life is collapsing and they feel abandoned by the parent with whom it no longer live together even if the child still sees the parent regularly. Often the child develops the fear that the other parent could also leave him. Many children feel guilty for the separation of their parents, think it is their fault. You, as a grandparent, can provide stability in this situation. It would be unrealistic to ask you to have a neutral attitude to the divorce. It is normal that you take sides, whether it is on your own child or your son in law/daughter in law. But it is important that in front of your grandchild you keep your feelings to yourself. 

10 great ways to help out

1. Ask before coming over. It is great for the new parents to have you around and help out and of course you also want to spend time with your grandchild. It is important though that you respect that they might have plans or they just want to be for themselves so before coming over call and ask if it is a good time for them.

2. Babysitting is a great way for you to spend time with your grandchild and your daughter/daughter-in- law is able to catch up with sleep or have a shower in peace without being afraid that she won't hear the baby cry. 

3. Go shopping. If you have been out with a baby recently you know how difficult it is to do anything really. Shopping is stressful because you are trying not to wake the baby while looking at the shelves, trying to figure out what you need to buy. And as soon as you stop you hear the baby waking up so you race around the shop like a mad man and in the end you don't buy anything you really need. Then you arrive home, thankfully the baby is still sleeping and you try carrying the baby and the shopping into the flat. I live on the forth floor without a lift so you can imagine how thankful I am when someone else goes shopping for me.

4. Make dinner or lunch. As my baby was a preemie our baby had to stay in hospital for nearly two months. We left the house at 7 and I spent all day with the baby in hospital. My husband used to come after work and we left the hospital normally at about 11 to go home. We did not have time to go shopping or make food. Unfortunately our families don't live near us so most of the time we did not have one of our mothers here to mother us. But my husband thankfully has great colleagues and they prepared us food for us. It was amazing and I was/am very thankful to them. So I think it is a great way to help out. It is one thing less one has to worry about!

5. It is important that you help out because YOU want to. You probably have your own life, maybe you are still working so if it does not fit into your schedule don't pressure yourself to go over. 

6. Encourage your daughter/ daughter-in-law that she is doing great. Try to create an environment where she feels safe and confident. It will make her like having you around.  

7. Spend time with the older children! is the new baby is the second, third or forth then the older children will need your attention more then ever because their mother and father (especially their mother) have a lot to do with the new baby. Take them out in the afternoon, pick them up from nursery or school, be there or them.

8.Deal with the washing. Do you know how much washing a baby creates? I really did not think it was as much as it is. When you go over put a load of washing on or fold the clean washing that has been sitting in the dryer for the whole day. I am sure it will be very much appreciated!!

9.Go shopping for clothes with your daughter/daughter-in-law. Not immediately after birth but a couple of months later her pregnancy clothes will be too big for her but her old normal clothes will still not fit her. Suggest going shopping with her. Your job will be to be with the baby while she is trying on clothes. 

10. Keep your opinion to yourself. Do not be judgmental about decisions they make. But if you really feel like you need to share your opinion think before you speak. Try to find a way of sharing without being judgmental. Ask yourself how you would have wanted your mother/mother-in-law to speak to you when your children were little. Maybe ask them if you can tell them what you think and respect if they ask you not to. 


I think one of the most important thing to remember is that you should help out because you want to not because you feel obligated. AND ENJOY YOUR GRANDCHILD! They grow up so quickly. 

Are you a grandparent?  Tell us what did your family want you to help out with? Or are you a mother or a father then tell us how your parents helped or did not? what is a no go for you?

New family

How does a family change when a new baby arrives? What does it mean for husband and wife? How can grandparents help in this overwhelming time?

A new baby changes the life of a woman and a man. The dyadic relationship becomes a triadic relationship with their new child. It is important that the father is not excluded otherwise the dyadic relationship shifts to the mother and child. Furthermore the new parents have to identify with their new role. Mothers often have to give up their job, at least for a while and they have to look after the baby that depends so much on her. Of course during pregnancy one realises that life is going to change but I believe one does not fully understand what that means until the baby comes into the world.

According to Daniel Stern new mothers seek female company especially women who have had children. Woman who are first time mothers need encouragement and support from other women to give them confidence and reassurement, that they are doing their best in looking after their child. As a grandmother it is important to create an environment where your daughter or daughter-in-law feels save to discover her abilities as a mother.

„It should be noted that mothers who have it in them to provide good- enough care can be enabled to do better by being cared for themselves in a way that acknowledges the essential nature of their task“(Winnicott, 1985)

Try to remember what it was like when you had your first child? Do you maybe remember being afraid of doing things wrong or the feeling of helplessness when the baby cried and you could not comfort it. Understanding the new situation of your daughter/daughter in law can help you find a way of helping her especially at the beginning. But it is also important to ask the new parents how you can help them or if they need help. Sometimes one will need to accept that they want to be for themselves and that they need time to figure out how they want their life to be, how they can be parents but also be husband and wife.

As a first time mother I can tell you that I was very thankful to my mother-in-law and to my mother for coming to help out with the baby when we came home from hospital. I only recently became a mother. My son was born at 31. weeks and had to stay in hospital for seven weeks. As my husband and I do not live near our family they both flew out to help us while the baby was still in hospital and then later when we could take our baby home. I got a lot of practice in hospital as the nurses encouraged me to learn how to change nappies and bath my boy etc.. But having my mother-in-law and my mother around helped me become more confident. Furthermore they helped me by doing things in the house. I did not have to worry about cooking, going shopping or doing washing. Now we are alone again and it is nice to be just my husband, me and our boy. But it would be nice to go out to eat with my husband or have a couple of hours alone with him and knowing that the baby is in good hands. I think it is important not to forget your relationship and it helps having grandparents around to get a break from motherhood. 

If you are a parent tell us how did you need help in the first few weeks after you came home from hospital? And if you are grandparent tell us how you tried helping the new family when they came home? Did you find it difficult to figure out what the family needed without overstepping?