It was me sitting next to the incubator, with curtains closed which always made me feel a bit claustrophobic. I was scared of his catheter falling out, is oxygen dropping and his heart rate being too high. I was just worried about everything. And he could not do it at all. He took it in his mouth and did not like it. He had no idea what he had to do.
He always got breast milk though because I always expressed milk. That was romantic: a machine on my breast pulling at them. And the noise just drove me crazy. Because I was not making enough milk I had to do it every two hours. My life consisted of either waiting to see my baby, being with my baby or pumping. For a long time he could not even eat with a bottle. The poor little thing had a feeding tube which was actually pretty cool because the nurses were able to suck out the air that was in in tummy. For the first few weeks of his life he never had tummy problems. Sometimes I wish I could suck the air out of my tummy. It would make me feel so much better :)
When you see my baby boy eat now you would not think that a couple of months ago he hated eating. He used to eat 10 cc and fall asleep. It was like he had no interest in eating. Sometimes I felt like I wanted to scream. I just could not understand why it was taking him so much longer then other babies. I think if he could he would eat now all the time. 24 hours. Even when he is sleeping he would like to eat. He makes these sweet sucking movements when he is sleeping. It looks so cute.
So when did he start eating properly?
He was on a very strict routine: Feeding was every three hours, not earlier and not later. And somehow it did not agree with him. He wanted to eat when he wanted to. So at some point, after I had a "nervous breakdown" the doctors decided that we were allowed to feed him on demand. They were only really able to do that because I was there all day. The nurses do not have time to feed the babies every 1- 2 hours that is why they have this schedule. After that he did it. It was a miracle.
Did I just say nervous breakdown? It was not exactly that but I was under a lot of stress. The urologist ordered a specific instrument for the operation and because the hospital has money problems they were not prepared to pay for it. The doctor said that we might have to go to a different hospital if the hospital does not get it's act together. And the other thing was that Dan was doing great with eating for the whole day and then in the evening he did not eat his whole bottle. He was tired after his bath and instead of just leaving him the nurse insisted in giving him the feeding tube again. I was so angry because it was just one feed. They did not really have to be worried about his weight any more so it was not the end of the world that he did not finish his bottle. But anyway. They put the feeding tube back in and I could not stop crying. Everybody knew about it. At that point I was not any more the nudniky mother (nudnik means something like pushy), I was also the mother who cried. They probably thought I was unstable or something.
anyway back to breastfeeding. when I left the hospital I was breastfeeding him once a day. And when I came home it was really hard to pump, feed him and do all the other things I had to do in house. Going out was also hard because he needed to eat so I always needed to bring a bottle with me but I also needed to pump. And you can not pump in public! OR have you ever seen someone express milk in a restaurant? No of course you have not. And it is one thing to wake up at night and stick your baby to your breast but to actually get up warm a bottle while your baby is crying in the other room and your husband getting annoyed that he is not getting enough sleep,... Again. And although the nurses said I should not start breastfeeding him more then once a day I did. I started feeding him at night which made the nights so much more bearable. And then I do not remember when but at some point I stopped pumping and was able to only breastfeed. No more sterilising, no more pumping, no more bottles. I am glad that I expressed milk. The doctors always said it is the best medicine that you can give him and also if it was uncomfortable and hurt sometimes you do what you need to for your child. No? But then you should do what is best for you. If you do not feel comfortable breastfeeding then you should not do it because your baby will know that you are not enjoying it. And if you can not breastfeed then you should also accept that. I always said to myself that if I can not breastfeed then it is not the end of the world. My whole pregnancy did not work out the way I imagined it so it would not have been a surprise if that also had not worked out. It is funny now a days I think women feel the pressure of having to breastfeed but there was once a time when women did not even consider it. It was completely normal to just bottle feed your baby and if you did decide to breastfeed you were "weird". It is strange how the world goes through phases. Important is though that you do what you want to do and not what society wants. On Facebook I sometimes see people posting about their problems with breastfeeding, some women say they do not enjoy it but they still struggle to do it. I think that is the wrong way to go. Or? What do you think?
I miss now seeing my husband feed our son. It was probably a way for them to bond which they do not have any more. But they have other ways to bond. And he is so happy for me that it worked out for me. And I am happy too that it worked out for me. And Dan is also very happy that it worked out :)
The End
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