A new baby changes the life of a woman and a man. The dyadic relationship becomes a triadic relationship with their new child. It is important that the father is not excluded otherwise the dyadic relationship shifts to the mother and child. Furthermore the new parents have to identify with their new role. Mothers often have to give up their job, at least for a while and they have to look after the baby that depends so much on her. Of course during pregnancy one realises that life is going to change but I believe one does not fully understand what that means until the baby comes into the world.
According to Daniel Stern new mothers seek female company especially women who have had children. Woman who are first time mothers need encouragement and support from other women to give them confidence and reassurement, that they are doing their best in looking after their child. As a grandmother it is important to create an environment where your daughter or daughter-in-law feels save to discover her abilities as a mother.
„It should be noted that mothers who have it in them to provide good-
enough care can be enabled to do better by being cared for themselves in a way
that acknowledges the essential nature of their task“(Winnicott, 1985)
Try to remember what it was like when you had your first child? Do you maybe remember being afraid of doing things wrong or the feeling of helplessness when the baby cried and you could not comfort it. Understanding the new situation of your daughter/daughter in law can help you find a way of helping her especially at the beginning. But it is also important to ask the new parents how you can help them or if they need help. Sometimes one will need to accept that they want to be for themselves and that they need time to figure out how they want their life to be, how they can be parents but also be husband and wife.
As a first time mother I can tell you that I was very thankful to my mother-in-law and to my mother for coming to help out with the baby when we came home from hospital. I only recently became a mother. My son was born at 31. weeks and had to stay in hospital for seven weeks. As my husband and I do not live near our family they both flew out to help us while the baby was still in hospital and then later when we could take our baby home. I got a lot of practice in hospital as the nurses encouraged me to learn how to change nappies and bath my boy etc.. But having my mother-in-law and my mother around helped me become more confident. Furthermore they helped me by doing things in the house. I did not have to worry about cooking, going shopping or doing washing. Now we are alone again and it is nice to be just my husband, me and our boy. But it would be nice to go out to eat with my husband or have a couple of hours alone with him and knowing that the baby is in good hands. I think it is important not to forget your relationship and it helps having grandparents around to get a break from motherhood.
If you are a parent tell us how did you need help in the first few weeks after you came home from hospital? And if you are grandparent tell us how you tried helping the new family when they came home? Did you find it difficult to figure out what the family needed without overstepping?
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