Let's be ladies and gentlemen again

Where has the romance gone? Where have the gentlemen gone?
There was a time when men opened the doors, would bring flowers home, would pay for dinner, do I really need to go on? I think you get the point. Now you go on dates and you won't even know if it is a date because now a days they call it hanging out together or meeting up. Men don't even pick you up for a date anymore. I once went out with a friend of mine for dinner. It was not a date but he treated me like a real lady. He picked me up, opened the car door and the restaurant door for me, paid the bill. I was shocked. Can you imagine that? I was shocked by his behavior because I never ever experienced anything like it. Isn't that sad?

I am lucky I have found the person I want to be with for the rest of my life but I had my share of bad dates and relationships. And I have friends who report back to me. And the worst thing is that after the date everyone starts playing games. "He texted me an hour ago but I won't open the message for another hour so he doesn't think I am sitting waiting for him. And after I read the message I won't answer him for a day or two." And then the guy does the same thing. Problem is that people find other people more attractive when they are playing hard to get. They get bored when one is too available but that is not love? Loving someone means choosing someone every day, loving them also when you are bored and you don't feel the butterflies anymore. Why does one need to start a maybe future relationship with games?

I feel like men have changed. I remember my grandmother told me that when my grandfather didn't like what she was wearing he would make her go and change. Can you imagine? No woman would ever let a man speak to her like that. And men would never speak to women like that and maybe that's good. But I was once on a date where the guy wouldn't make any decisions. everything ( and when i say everything I mean everything: which restaurant to go to, where to sit, which movie to watch, what to talk about) had to be discussed with me and I hated it. I felt like telling him to man up and take control. Don't all women want a man who takes control. Someone who knows what he wants and let's you know it. It doesn't have to be as extreme as my grandfather but men have to become men again.

A few days ago I had an argument with my husband. It was nothing serious but I was very angry (I have the tendency to exaggerate) but I still wanted him to be a little bit more dramatic with his apology. I wanted flowers and chocolate and a romantic gesture telling me that he loves me and can't live without me. Never happened and it's fine I am not angry about it. I don't know all women in this world but women like me, want men to make a big fuss around them and for them. It makes you feel special and loved what is wrong with that?

I saw a post on one of the Facebook groups where a woman was complaining that men don't come up to you anymore to ask you out or to buy you a drink. But is it really just men?
A male friend of mine complains about women: They don't want to commit or when they do they get scared and pull away. it's like men and women are not compatible anymore. Women are becoming stronger and more independent. Maybe they don't feel the need to have a man in their life. Maybe that is the problem?

Maybe we need to go back in time a bit. Women need to let men be men, make them feel like they are needed, make them feel masculine, make  them feel like they are the man in the relationship. And men need to man up again and need to treat a woman like the most special lady in the world.

Home sweet home

I still say that I recently moved to a new flat when it has been already mhm let me think, 4 months?! Yes I think we moved 4 months ago. And believe it or not yesterday we put up our first pictures.  A month ago we still had a not-yet-built-ikea-cupboard lying around. When my parents came they made me build it up which annoyed me but if they hadn't then you probably could still find it in a box waiting to be built. 

So this week I decided to hang some pictures up and this blog inspired me. Check it out you will find some great ideas. My problem is with all pictures (poster and photos) that I can not decide on a frame and when I have decided on a frame I can not decide where to hang it. Through the blog I discovered WASHI Tape. For anyone who does not know what it is. It's coloured tape that you can stick and take off really easily. You can get different colours, different designs and you can decorate almost anything with it. I made frames with it.

I actually think that this poster needs a black frame but I could not find black washi tape. So I used this light green. And this is the amazing thing about the tape when you are fed up with it you can take it off and start from the beginning. 

For the bedroom I wanted a VOGUE themed wall. (my poor husband has to have a girly room, but he really should be happy I didn't put it up in the sitting room because I would have if I was living alone) I bought this poster on amazon but I was thinking of adding to the rest of the wall just normal vogue covers. I just have to find ones I like. It's a process. I will update you of course. 

To sleep or not to sleep that is the question

We have not been sleeping well since my little munchkin was born 18 months ago. Actually I have not been sleeping well since the pregnancy because I was uncomfortable and I needed to wee all the time. And when he was in hospital we did not sleep well because we were worried and when he came home he would only sleep on us. Then at some point we were able to get him to sleep next to us. It was a huge improvement to before but it definitely was very far from ideal. 

Last Wednesday I finally started teaching him to fall asleep by himself because that way he can send himself to sleep when he wakes up at night. But that is not the only reason why I needed to teach him to sleep alone. I also needed him give him a push to independence. He needed to separate from me to be able to develop.

I was dreading it. I really was. I was going from "I can't do it" to "I must do it" to "my poor baby how can I do this to him". I did not let him cry it out in the traditional way. I sat next to him and I was with him the whole time and he in the end fell asleep with my hand on his back. It was quicker than I thought and he has been doing really well. Last night he slept through the night! It really was not how I thought it would be. Somehow when you read blogs and articles and books about it you just think it is going to be a nightmare. You think you won't sleep for 2 weeks or more. But it isn't so bad if you are consistent. If you choose a sleep training method that you are comfortable with and you a ready to follow through then it will be okay. Look I don't know what tomorrow will bring. Maybe tomorrow he will cry for 3 hours. Maybe tonight he will wake up and I will have a nightmare. MAYBE but whatever it is I will be able to manage and so will he. 

I just wonder what would have been if I had done it sooner. And why did i not do it sooner? Because I was not ready. I was not ready to let go. I stopped my child from developing although he was ready to. He was ready to grow up, to not be an infant anymore. I am using the word infant because I can not say baby because he is still a baby. A baby toddler. I thought I would feel guilty about sleep training him, about letting him cry, about making him do something he did not want to do. But now I feel guilty that I did not do it sooner. I was traumatised by what happened to him and me when he was born.  I needed him close, I was afraid he would die. I needed him to be in my bed. Maybe he needed it at the beginning but I think he was ready before I was.

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.

They may not mean to, but they do.

They fill you with the faults they had

And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn

By fools in old-style hats and coats,

Who half the time were soppy-stern

And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.

It deepens like a coastal shelf.

Get out as early as you can,

And don't have any kids yourself.” 

― Philip Larkin

Haha always think of this poem when I think I am being a "bad parent" :) 

I am not saying you should sleep train, I am just saying if you are worried about it than don't be. Children adapt so quickly to change and has my husband always said to me: "try to remember that the situation as it is, is not "Right". He is not supposed to need you to fall asleep so you are teaching him an important skill. You are doing it for him and for yourself"

So when sleep training is over who wants to go out and party with me. 

Just Dance

              When you are feeling low or had a bad day put on loud music and dance. Dance as hard as you can.Dance like you have never before. Just dance it out. 

Forget about everything around you. Forget about why you are angry or sad . Just listen to the music and dance. Dance like nothing else is important.

Dance as crazy as you always wanted to but never have because you were too shy.

Don't you feel so much better? 

Jemanden etwas gönnen

Jemandem etwas gönnen (this is German for everyone here who does not speak german) means to be happy for someone without feeling envious. In English there is no word that describes exactly that. Or maybe there is but I definitely did not find it. It is such a great word and it is even better can do exactly that. I think it is something that people find very hard. It is easy to be happy for someone but secretly be envious of them. But does that mean that you are actually not happy for them?
I am trying to become better at it because there are situations where I really find it hard to feel that way for people. For a long time I hated pregnant women. Then I got to the point that I could tolerate them, then I was happy for them but I was crazy jealous and now I gönnen. Such a good word. I sound like Miranda. OH MY GOD if you do not know what I am talking about then you have to watch the series. YOU HAVE TO.

YOU SEE? ISN'T SO FUNNY!

It is silly to be jealous and really just hard for oneself. I think it makes you a less happy person. I did not want to feel that way. I never want to feel that way and also if I am aware of it I cannot just change my feelings. It just does not work that way. Well not with me. People say it is normal to feel envious of other pregnant women when one had a preemie and a traumatic birth.

Can one learn to gönnen? I think that some people just find it easier than others. Maybe people who are generally happy with their lives. Maybe the happier you are for someone the less envious you will feel. Maybe the more involved you get the less you can feel jealous because you see how happy the person is. Maybe the more you love the person the more you want them to be happy. And maybe (this is my last maybe) the more aware you are of your feelings the more control you have over them. I am not saying that you can say "I am not going to be angry anymore" or "I am not going to be sad" but I think that if you feel consciously then you can work against those feelings but it is struggle. And you will always find yourself in a situation where a friend or family member has something that you want and can't have or they are living a life that you wish you could live or you know. There is always going to be situations where you need to gönnen. For your own sake because it will make you a happier person. And if it makes you feel any better. Everyone is struggling with it not just you.


PS: After reading what I read again I had to laugh because I used the word "gönnen" as an english verb like I do when I speak to Simon or my parents. I am very much aware that I do it not just with that word :) That is what it is like when you grow up with two languages.

The owl and the pussy-cat

The owl and the Pussy- cat went to sea

In a beautiful pea- green boat 

They took some honey, and plenty of money, 

Wrapped up in a five- pound note 

The owl looked up to the stars above, 

And sang to a small guitar, 

' o lovely pussy! O pussy, my love, what a beautiful pussy you are, 

You are 

You are! 

What a beautiful Pussy you are!' 

Pussy said to the owl, ' you elegant fowl!

How charmingly sweet you sing! 

O let us be married! Too long we have tarried: 

But what shall we do for a ring?' 

They sailed away, for a year and a day, 

To the land where the Bong- tree grows, 

And there in a wood a Piggy- wig stood, 

With a ring at the end of his nose , 

His nose, 

His nose, 

With a ring at the end of his nose

'Dear Pig, are you willing to sell for one shilling your ring?' 

Said the Piggy, 'I will' 

So they took it away, and were married next day 

By the Turkey who lives on the hill. 

They dined on mince, and slices of quince, 

Which they are with a runclible spoon; 

And Hand in hand, on the edge of the sand 

They danced by the light of the moon

The moon

The moon 

They danced by the light of the moon. 

~ Edward Lear ~ 

my amazing-make-my-legs-look-incredibly-thin-but-make-me-tower-over-everyone-so-i-don't-wear-them shoes

My story behind these shoes and many shoes that are sitting my cupboard is that I buy shoes that I absolutely looooooove. I can't not have them so I buy them and they sit in my cupboard. Every now and then I take them out, try them on and tell Simon "how much I love them" but end up putting them back in the cupboard where they remain till the next try on. 

One of the reasons why I don't wear these shoes or any of my other high heels is because I have no where to wear them. I am not going to wear them to the park or to go shopping. And as my son is not sleep trained Simon and I have not been going out much. I could wear them to synagogue but I am not mad. We have a 20 minute walk to synagogue and if you have been to Jerusalem you know that you have to always walk up hill to get anywhere so NO I am not going to kill myself by earing them to shul (means synagogue).

And also if I did have a reason to wear them I wouldn't because I tower over everyone and it makes me feel uncomfortable and then I look uncomfortable. I made a big msitake at the last party I went to as I decided I would wear my beautiful Office high heeled peep-toes and now there are pictures of me where I look absolutely horrible. There are family group pictures where I am taller than everyone else. It looks terrible. No woman wants to be the tallest person at a party- yes okay I was not the tallest at the party but I was one of them. 

Everyone always says how lucky I am that I am tall and bla bla bla. I always wanted to be short and thin. Delicate, petite, dainty. 

But one should never say that out loud because all you will hear is "you are ridiculous. You should be happy that you are tall.". But it isn't better to be tall. Especially if you can not wear the shoes your heart desires. 

So here are one of my amazing-make-my-legs-look-incredibly-thin-but-make-me-tower-over-everyone-so-i-don't-wear-them shoes 

i carry your heart with me

I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart)
I am never without it (anywhere I go you go; my dear, and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling)

I fear
No fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) I want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true) and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will sing is you
Here is the deepest secret nobody knows (here is the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life,which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
And this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)


~ EE Cummings ~

forgive and forget

Forgive and forget, that is something that a lot people have trouble with especially me.  I spend a lot of time and energy being angry with people. Sometimes I will think I have forgiven someone only to realize that I actually have not. My heart will start racing and I will feel like I did then. It's stupid and makes no sense. I will never tell the person I haven't forgiven them so in the end I am only hurting myself. And I am just has hard on myself as on everyone else. I will not forget stupid things I said or did. I will replay scenarios in my head again and again. I will torture myself with ifs and whys again and again. It's unbearable.

I wish I was more like Simon my husband.

He is the most forgiving person I know. And not only that, he will also forget. He will never bring it up again, never use it against you in a fight a few weeks, months or years later, and he won't want to talk about it for hours to make you feel even worse than you already do and to apologize for the hundredth time. 

I am really lucky, he on the other hand is screwed. But to be fair he knew what he was getting into because I always told him that I have trouble forgiving.

In the series "Private Practice" Adison, who is the main character of the show tells her therapist that she thinks her boyfriend is a better person than her. I sometimes believe that too about me and Simon. I think being able to forgive makes you a better person because it means you can accept people for who they are including their mistakes and flaws. No? They are definitely happier people. But can one learn to forgive? Is there still hope for me?

Piece of advice

A few years ago my summers changed.  I finally started wearing shorts. You expected something more dramatic I am sure but if you never wore shorts in your life because you thought they did not suit you then you will understand.  I never used to wear them because I did not like my legs in them. I don't have thin legs, I also do not have fat legs but they are not a part of my body I like particularly. I always felt like shorts made them look bigger so I avoided them. I wore a lot of dresses and skirts, long and short. And I was fine but then my cousin, Mary, gave me a piece of advice that I will share with you now: 

If you want your legs to look thin in shorts you have to buy them two- three sizes bigger than you actually need. 

Sounds crazy? It is not! The shorts need to be baggy around your legs and that makes your legs look thin. It really does! If you buy them in your size they are always tight around the thighs, sometimes they even squash them. Try it. Now that summer is around the corner and you will be going shopping for summer clothes you should buy yourself a pair of oversized shorts. Just combine them with a tight T-Shirt and pair of fabulous sandals and you are ready to go!



You should follow Mary's facebook page "Chick Bible", Click here hope she will soon start her website because it will be amazing. And now I am done giving advice. Well for today :) 

Young and inspiring

Lena Dunham, is a writer, director, producer of the HBO "Girls".  

She also is the star of the series and has written a book called "Not that kind of Girl. A young woman tells you what she's "learned"". So I am not going to summerize her biography, you can look that up on wiki or google her or whatever. I want to talk about how she has inspired me and how I think she is inspiring young girls/women or how she can inspire us but maybe won't.

I read her book a few weeks ago and it is a memoir but written as essays. And what I find incredible is how honest she is about her everything: her life, sex, her childhood and teenage years and her problems with herself. When I was reading her book I often was thinking "oh my god I felt exactly the same way" or "I would have never admitted to that, ever". You read it and you recognise yourself in it and you remember thoughts or actions that were similar to your own but you would have never, ever talked about them, not to your mother, best friend and definitely not the whole world.

She talks about her sleep issues as a child and how she suffered/suffers from OCD. Most people especially celebrities like to hide personal problems from the world. Of course they do because everyone will be talking about it but I believe that if they did talk about it they would open a dialogue for "normal" people to talk about mental health issues or uncomfortable topics. Let me give you an example from my life: I was anorexic for a 5 years and thank god I am not now but in those years I lost all my friends. People stayed away from me because they could not handle it. They could not handle me being depressed, they could not handle watching me starving myself and basically saying to the world "I don't want to live". My friends could not bear it and did not how to deal with it so they ignored me and I was alone. I had my family without them I would not be here. And even to this day nobody ever talked to me about it, even the people I became friends with again. Nobody asked me one question about it. They never apologized, they never wanted to talk about it. I never forgave them for it. I know we were young but still?!

After reading the book you feel a little less alone with everything you have done, felt when you were a child, teenager and young woman. She tells you everyone goes through shit, everyone has bad experience with men and friends. Nobody is perfect, nobody had the perfect childhood, everyone has bad memories of being a teenager it's just that most people do not talk about it but not Lena Dunham. I think she will talk about almost everything. 

"13 Things I've learned are not okay to say to friends

1. She's chubby in a different way than we are

2. Don't worry, no one will remember this when you're dead

3. No, please don't apologize. If I had your mother I'd be a nightmare, too"

10 more to go but you will have to read them in her book. 

"When someone shows you how little you mean to them and you keep coming back for more, before you know it you start to mean less to yourself. You are not made up of compartments! You are one whole person! What gets said to you gets said to all of you, ditto what gets done. Being treated like shit is not an amusing game or a transgressive intellectual experiment. It's something you accept, condone, and learn to believe you deserve. This is so simple. But I tried so hard to make it complicated" (Lena Dunham In "Not that kind of Girl. A young woman tells you what she's "learned"")

I could now talk about her series and about the characters but I won't- you should just watch the series and you will see that Lena Dunham tries to show a real version of how girls in their 20s struggle to figure out how to live. I can try to explain what Lena tried to do with the series but really she could do it so much better. So I am going to let her do it. Isn't amazing that we have youtube. :) 

Must have

What you need, really really need are a pair of shoes that make you feel like a million dollars when you are wearing jeans and an old t-shirt you found in your boyfriend's/husband's cupboard. They can be highheels, sandals or flats it does not matter. All they have to be is absolutely fabulous. That does not mean they have to be madly expensive or a designer. No, it's more about how you feel in them and how they change your outfit: sometimes they complete your outfit and they were what was missing all along and sometimes they are best thing about your outfit. 

 So ladies if you don't have a pair of shoes like that in your wardrobe then stop whatever you are doing and go shopping now!!! I mean it, go now!!!

these are my million dollar shoes. Don't you just love them? I love them and I don't know how I lived without them.

be kind and patient to yourself

Babies and children are inspiring.
I have been living in Israel for nearly two years and I know about 40 words in hebrew. I know it's pathetic. I had a place at a language school but my son was born early and I could not go. Time passed and my son was very attached to me and I was very attached to him. He would not stay with anyone else and I do not think I was ready to leave him with anyone. Look, things would have been different if my parents lived here or my in-laws but I don't have close family here so it is hard, you know? Anyway I did a very intensive langauge course with a friend of mine who is a hebrew teacher. And it was great but it was so hard. I think I complained a lot. I just felt like it took me 10 hours to remember one word and you feel like a complete idiot. It takes me about 5 minutes to say a basic, very easy sentence in Hebrew and when I try to read anything it takes me forever and a day that I just want to give up. And as I have not been on top of it for the last few weeks I feel like I have forgotten everything again and that I will have to start at the beginning. And it is not just a new language, it is everything. If you want to learn anything new it will feel like it takes forever. I never learnt a music instrument because I was too lazy to practice and I just wanted to be able to play it without working for it. I am certain that a lot of people are not like me but still. How does one learn to be patient with one self?

Babies and children are inspiring and they should inspire us because they are so patient with themselves. Or maybe they do not know how not to be patient. But no.. because one can see that they too get frustrated sometimes but they will still try again and often they will try even harder.
I see it every day with my son. He was been walking around furniture for 7 months and two weeks ago he started walking on his own and he is still falling on his bum every four steps and he just gets up and starts again. Isn't that amazing and he is like that with everything. He has to learn everything new and if it takes him a hundert tries he will try until he succeeds. At the moment I am trying to teach him that his eyes are his eyes. But he does not get it. He knows his head, tummy, feet, ears and his pippiman. Yes that is what we call it. I did not like willy and penis just sounds so weird. I am not a doctor why should I call it that. And somehow pippiman sounds like a superhero, like superman or batman. I am hoping it will help him have a good relationship to his pippiman- you might ask why I am worried it about it. Well I think if everyone was obsessed with your pippiman during your childhood you would have a difficult relationship to your pippiman or actually pippiwoman as I am not talking to men only. My son had a problem since he was created, he had problems weeing and he needed to be born early and have an operation. And for the next years he is going to have to visit his urologist religiously. So yes I am worried he is going to have a difficult relationship to his pippiman. Why did I start talking about that? Oh yes because he does not know his eyes, nose or mouth. And I have been trying to teach him every day and he is just not getting it.

So now I don't just have to be patient with myself when it comes to learning something new but also with my son. But somehow it is easier and I am hoping that it will teach me to be more patient with myself and also to be kinder to myself. Children are amazing that's all I can say, that is all that needs to be said, don't you think?

Just another blog?!

At first I thought I would delete all the things I wrote here before I changed the name but then I decided not to.
I love looking at blogs and in my head I would love to have a fashion blog but I am just not that kind of person who likes to pose infront of a camera day in and day out. Also I just don't have the money to but myself new clothes every week. Then there are the food blogs that I love looking at and I was thinking of sharing my recipes online but my pictures will never resemble the ones you find online. My food taste nice I know that but I wouldn't say it looks beautiful. And you should see my cakes and muffins. I always love the idea of baking but then in the middle of it I think to myself:"why did you think this would be a good idea?" And I just wish I could stop, sit on the couch and hope that the fairy godmother will come and clear up the mess I created in the kitchen. I am one of these people who always has to fish out eggs shells from the bowl and reads the recipe 100 times and still gets something wrong. Somehow and don't ask me how it tastes quite nice at the end thank god otherwise the 2 hours I spent baking were a complete waste of time. But again I do not want to share these experiences with anyone. I do not even want to relive them while writing about them. So what else?
I thought I would share my experiences as a new mother but that didn't work out either for many reasons . One of them was that I was fed up talking about it. When you become a mother it seems like the only topic you have with your other mother friends. Is you child walking yet? What does he eat? How does he sleep? If you are not a parent and you overheard these conversations you would think that mothers are the most boring people on the world. And of course we are not. Babies and their development are fascinating but I decided that I didn't also want to write about it. A few weeks ago my husband, son and I were invited for dinner to a gay couple who invited a few other people too. None of them had kids and for the first few hours I just ran around their flat trying to stop my son from opening all their cupboards or breaking something. I didn't do a very good job because he did break something. And although they said it was fine I did feel bad about it and thought they would never invite us again. Anyway what I really wanted to say is that my son went to sleep at 9 and I put him down on their couch and there he slept till we left. For three hours I was myself again. We didn't talk about babies or pregnancies or births. And when we left I told them that they made me feel young again which they thought was funny because I was the youngest at the table. It was the first time since my son was born that I felt like the old me. The me that has fallen into the shadow of the new mummy me. That's how it is but I realized that I needed evenings like that more often so I decided that it was time to sleep train my child so that me and my husband could go out in the evenings every now and then. I haven't done it yet because my beloved child has been ill non stop.
I also wanted to talk about grandparenthood? Why you might ask! Very good question. I wrote my bachelor thesis about it and I thought I would share my thoughts about the subject. Unfortunately it took me a whole day to write one post because everything I know about the subject is saved in my brain in German. I studied psychology in Germany so everything I did was in German. And it is very difficult to transfer this information into English. I don't know why I have such a hard time with it but maybe if you are bilingual you will understand and feel the same way.

So you might think after reading all this what on earth is this blog going to be about? It's going to be about everything and anything. Everything that fascinates me this could be a book I am reading, the tree in a park, my son, my friends, my husband, who knows. The world is our oyster let's explore it and talk about it. Also I am hoping this is going to keep me sane. The last few nights I have been up with my son because he has a cold= he sleeps even worse then he normally does and needs to be carried around for hours during the night. At some point I drove him around at 4 in the morning. It doesn't just sound crazy, it is crazy. I need something that will keep me sane, something that is mine. And also if I have only one person who reads my post and feels a little inspired or understood then that is enough for me. So what do you think? Should we start our journey?!

Sleep training my baby

It has been a while since I have posted anything. This has many reasons. One of them was that my son was not sleeping in his crib and needed to be carried around or held while he was sleeping. So I did not get round to anything all I could do was walk, stand and maybe if I was lucky sit on the couch, I lost quite a lot of weight though. Worst diet ever: have a baby get him into a bad sleeping habit and never have time to eat or sit :). And when he was awake I wanted to spend time with him or I had to do some of the housework. So now you must be thinking? Well if she is writing now she must have got her baby to sleep in his crib. Yes I have but we are still in the training phase. You can not imagine how much research I did before I started sleep training him. I was hoping for an easy fix so I kept on looking I thought someone in his world must have found some magic trick. Guess what? I NEVER FOUND IT but I am still hopeful and looking. 

I would not describe myself as a very patient person but I realise that I have to develop patience with a child and I have become much better. But when you are looking for training solutions you have the choice between ones that feel like they take forever or the ones that tell you to let your baby cry. I can't do that, I can not listen to him cry for longer then a minute. So I started with the "Picking- up, Lying- him- down" training which means that you put him down in his crib and when he starts crying you pick him up again and so on. I read that one woman had to pick up her child 140 times before he slept. Imagine 140 times? When I heard that I just wanted to take a nap myself. But I tried it, after 1 1/2 hours I was ready to give up and let my child sleep on me for the rest of his life. I'm not kidding! You feel like you want to kill somebody after that. AND he wasn't even asleep after 1 1/2 hours! 

I did give up and a week later I started again because I knew ultimately that I need to do it for him and for myself. But in the end I did it my own way. I'm not sure if it is the right way but it is the way that I chose. So I did pick him up and put him down again but I rocked the crib and I put on the extractor fan in the kitchen, as white noise calms him down. This we did for a week. This week I am fazing out the noise and next week I am fazing out the rocking. And once I get him into a routine of that I am going to get him to sleep in his big crib in his own room.I have a lot of fazing out to do I know! And lets hope his teething will not get into the way of that. Yes my son has decided that he needs his teeth already. At the moment thank god they are not bothering them but the horror stories you read on the internet do not sound encouraging.Can not believe that he is teething already. Always when he does something new I see him going off to university. He is growing up so quickly. But back to sleeping. One step at a time. 

I am sure you know this feeling of relieve when your baby is finally asleep and you think "now I can do the washing and start cooking and tidy up but first I will check if someone wrote to me on facebook or maybe I got that E-Mail I have been waiting for" and half an hour later you still are sitting on the couch in front of your laptop either on facebook, pinterest or looking up what your child should be doing at his age. Never good idea to do that. Always ends with fear, guilt and stress. And when you finally get up to do all the things that are written on your "DO TO LIST" you hear the baby waking up! "WHAAT? why did he only sleep for 30 minutes? WHY GOD WHY?"In his next nap I will need to research that and I will let you know what I find out ;)

Do you know what it feels like for a NICU mum?

I have been reading alot about having a premature baby and about all the different kinds of feelings one experiences after one has given birth. A lot talk about feeling guilty because mothers often believe that it is their fault, that they could have done something to stop it. Or they feel angry because they just do not understand why this has happened to them. Anyway. I was thinking a lot about how it was for me when I gave birth. And for a long time I did not feel anything but anxiety for my child. There was so much adrenaline inside of me that did not allow me to think about myself. It was only much later when my son was doing much better already when all these feelings appeared.

I was angry but I was already angry when they diagnosed my son and told us that he would have to have an operation after birth. I just did not understand why god would allow something like that to happen to a baby. I also felt like that when my baby was born. My husband never was angry with god and he is a real believer. I at some point during the pregnancy said I can not believe in a god who would do something like that. But in the end when my son was born I prayed for him to get better. I prayed for him not to suffer too much. While I am writing this my son is lying on me, sleeping and snoring. It is such a sweet noise. Sometimes he lies on his dad and they both snore away together. It always makes me smile. Later I  was angry that I  could not take care of my baby like I  wanted. I had to ask when I wanted to hold him. I could not change his nappy or hold him when he cried. I wasn't allowed to see him for 6 hours during the day because there were rounds or ultrasounds or something. There was always something going on.  It was so frustrating that I was told to leave my baby crying because there was a shift change or I do not what. I often refused to leave till someone came to comfort him. The doctors and the nurses hated me but what do I care. You have to fight for your child, you have to protect him. 

I was sad that I did not get to be pregnant for 9 months. That I did not get the experience of having a huuuuuge belly. Most people say that I should be happy and I did not miss anything: Everybody complains about the 9 month. And yes I am sure one feels terrible but I think the body and your psychic needs to go through that stage. It is you getting ready to have the baby. I was never ready to have the baby. It was like they ripped him out of me. And I missed him. When I went home it felt like I had forgotten something. When I was out shopping for the baby stuff it just did not feel right, I was not pregnant any more but I also did not have my baby with me. I do not know what it is like when you start bleeding and you have contractions and you know it is too early but there is nothing you can do. I can imagine that it must be very scary. But at least your body experiences natural contractions. Your body gets ready to give birth and if you are "lucky" you can give birth normally. I was told I had to give birth today, they operated, cut him out and they took him. They took him away from me. And yes I know it was because they could take better care of him then I could: It was safer for him to be born. How does it make you feel to hear that? I will tell you. it makes you feel inadequate.

And now I realised  that I felt alone. I was not really alone. my husband was with me in hospital every day for the first month. When I was still recovering from the operation he did not leave the hospital. Even at night when he could not be with me in the room. Stupid rules. He was amazing but I felt alone. He did not understand what I was feeling, nobody understood what I felt. I do not even think the other mothers in the NICU understand. Everybody has their own story. And  No words can really explain this feeling. 

I was afraid of everything. The machines, the nurses, the doctors. I was afraid that I would never bond properly with my child. I was afraid that my baby would have all sorts of psychological problems. He probably will. But all I can do is do my best and as Winnicott says be "a good enough mother".

And now I am going to say something that I do not feel good about. But I was jealous. I was jealous of all the mothers who could take their babies home. At first it was just the mothers who were not in the NICU. Then it was women who were still pregnant and then it was mothers in the NICU. Of course I was happy for them, You becomes friends with these women, you talk about everything because everything comes up when you are sitting together in the pumping room. But you still feel jealous when they can go home and you remain. The worst time for me was when more then half the babies went home and some of them babies who came after us. And I knew that some of these mothers had been in the NICU for much longer then we had. But still they were going home. I felt guilty about feeling that way. I can assure you one does not want to feel that way. 

I feel guilty that my child had to go through such horrible things. And I feel guilty that he now has to get tests done that are uncomfortable and bother him a lot. He is now much more aware of things which makes it even harder. And sometimes I feel guilty that I did not go to the doctor earlier. But how could I have known that I did not have enough amniotic fluid? You can think now she is an idiot she should have noticed that it was leaking out  but it was not!! It was in him. That is why he lost so much weight after birth. Yes it is normal for him to lose weight but not so much. I couldn't have known. But I feel like I should have! You know?

Pumping, Breastfeeding and everything else

When I breastfeed my little boy I feel it is a little miracle. Usually breastfeeding is a natural thing for mothers and babies. And believe me when I was pregnant I had this idea of holding my baby for the first time and trying to breastfeed him. I wondered what it would feel like, wonder how I would feel about it. Well it never happened that way. Well of course there was a first time I tried breastfeeding but it wasn't nice and it wasn't anything like I imagined it would be.
It was me sitting next to the incubator, with curtains closed which always made me feel a bit claustrophobic. I was scared of his catheter falling out, is oxygen dropping and his heart rate being too high. I was just worried about everything. And he could not do it at all. He took it in his mouth and did not like it. He had no idea what he had to do.
He always got breast milk though because I always expressed milk. That was romantic: a machine on my breast pulling at them. And the noise just drove me crazy. Because I was not making enough milk I had to do it every two hours. My life consisted of either waiting to see my baby, being with my baby or pumping. For a long time he could not even eat with a bottle. The poor little thing had a feeding tube which was actually pretty cool because the nurses were able to suck out the air that was in in tummy. For the first few weeks of his life he never had tummy problems. Sometimes I wish I could suck the air out of my tummy. It would make me feel so much better :)
When you see my baby boy eat now you would not think that a couple of months ago he hated eating. He used to eat 10 cc and fall asleep. It was like he had no interest in eating. Sometimes I felt like I wanted to scream. I just could not understand why it was taking him so much longer then other babies. I think if he could he would eat now all the time. 24 hours. Even when he is sleeping he would like to eat. He makes these sweet sucking movements when he is sleeping. It looks so cute.

So when did he start eating properly? 

He was on a very strict routine: Feeding was every three hours, not earlier and not later. And somehow it did not agree with him. He wanted to eat when he wanted to. So at some point, after I had a "nervous breakdown" the doctors decided that we were allowed to feed him on demand. They were only really able to do that because I was there all day. The nurses do not have time to feed the babies every 1- 2 hours that is why they have this schedule. After that he did it. It was a miracle. 

Did I just say nervous breakdown?  It was not exactly that but I was under a lot of stress. The urologist ordered a specific instrument for the operation and because the hospital has money problems they were not prepared to pay for it. The doctor said that we might have to go to a different hospital if the hospital does not get it's act together. And the other thing was that Dan was doing great with eating for the whole day and then in the evening he did not eat his whole bottle. He was tired after his bath and instead of just leaving him the nurse insisted in giving him the feeding tube again. I was so angry because it was just one feed. They did not really have to be worried about his weight any more so it was not the end of the world that he did not finish his bottle. But anyway. They put the feeding tube back in and I could not stop crying. Everybody knew about it. At that point I was not any more the nudniky mother (nudnik means something like pushy), I was also the mother who cried. They probably thought I was unstable or something. 

anyway back to breastfeeding. when I left the hospital I was breastfeeding him once a day. And when I came home it was really hard to pump, feed him and do all the other things I had to do in house. Going out was also hard because he needed to eat so I always needed to bring a bottle with me but I also needed to pump. And you can not pump in public! OR have you ever seen someone express milk in a restaurant? No of course you have not.  And it is one thing to wake up at night and stick your baby to your breast but to actually get up warm a bottle while your baby is crying in the other room and your husband getting annoyed that he is not getting enough sleep,... Again. And although the nurses said I should not start breastfeeding him more then once a day I did. I started feeding him at night which made the nights so much more bearable. And then I do not remember when but at some point I stopped pumping and was able to only breastfeed. No more sterilising, no more pumping, no more bottles. I am glad that I expressed milk. The doctors always said it is the best medicine that you can give him and also if it was uncomfortable and hurt sometimes you do what you need to for your child. No? But then you should do what is best for you. If you do not feel comfortable breastfeeding then you should not do it because your baby will know that you are not enjoying it. And if you can not breastfeed then you should also accept that. I always said to myself that if I can not breastfeed then it is not the end of the world. My whole pregnancy did not work out the way I imagined it so it would not have been a surprise if that also had not worked out. It is funny now a days I think women feel the pressure of having to breastfeed but there was once a time when women did not even consider it. It was completely normal to just bottle feed your baby and if you did decide to breastfeed you were "weird". It is strange how the world goes through phases. Important is though that you do what you want to do and not what society wants. On Facebook I sometimes see people posting about their problems with breastfeeding, some women say they do not enjoy it but they still struggle to do it. I think that is the wrong way to go. Or? What do you think?


I miss now seeing my husband feed our son. It was probably a way for them to bond which they do not have any more. But they have other ways to bond. And he is so happy for me that it worked out for me. And I am happy too that it worked out for me. And Dan is also very happy that it worked out :) 

The End

Children's books. Part deux

Sally and Dick have nothing to do on a rainy day. Unexpectedly the cat in the hat comes to visit to show them how much fun one can have indoors. But are Sally and Dick really having fun?

Lovely book especially if you can do the different voices. Have to get the book to practice so I can do it as well as Dan's Nonas. 

What is a Gruffalo? Well get this book for your grandchild and you will find out together :)

When I worked in a Kindergarten the children really liked this book. I ended up either reading this book or a Disney book again and again till I had no voice :)  

Old bear counts "one, two, three, four" while all the other stuffed animals try to find a good hiding place. Little bear hides himself so well, that it can't be found. Is he really lost?I had this book as a child and I loved it. When I go home next time I will have to look for it in the many boxes that we have at home!

Here's a little baby
one, two, three,
Sits in his high chair
What does he see??
Peepo!

Look through the holes to find out what the little baby sees. Children love looking at the details of the wonderful illustrations. Very fun book for babies, toddlers and adults. My mum already bought this book for me :) 

Who is afraid of 7 o'clock? I am!

Why is it that babies become fussy in the evening?

With my son, it is like he has an alarm set for 7 o'clock.  So between about 7 and 12 o'clock he is mostly fussy. He has maybe half an hour when he is in a good mood but sleeping is not on his agenda although one feels he wants to sleep but can't.  Don't really know if he can fight sleep yet, he is probably abit to young for that but it does seem that way. 
But why is it that it is only in the evening? I know it is not his tummy because thank god I found out what was causing his wind! Milky products. Who would have thought?! When I read it for the first time in my "new baby care book" I could not believe it. Why on earth should milky products cause wind? But I tried it. For two weeks I have not eaten anything milky. No milk, no cheese, no chocolate (and I LOVE chocolate), no nothing. It is really hard especially because I used to live of cereal. During pregnancy I ate cereal for breakfast and lunch, sometimes I ate it as a snack. Life is so much easier if you can just make yourself a sandwich with cheese. But since I cut out milky products my son hasn't had any problems with his tummy and it has become a good time to start my low carb diet :). But he is still fussy between 7 and 12 o'clock. Yesterday someone told me to cut out diet coke, something to do with the acid and the caffeine- I am going to try it for a couple of weeks and see if it makes a difference, not that I drink much coke but it is worth the shot right? I will let you know if it changes anything in his behavior. The other strange thing is that he wants to eat every hour. During the night he can sleep for 3-4 hours and during the day he eats every 2 hours. And at first I thought it was for comfort but it isn't he sucks as if he had't eaten for hours. 
I feel sorry for my husband who only gets to see him like this during the week. Thank god at the weekend he sees a different side as well. 
We (me, my husband, my little boy, and his nona) have found a couple of different things that help him calm down: 

1. Carrying him around in the sling or in the baby carrier. At first he screams his head off but once I start moving he falls asleep. The problem is always when I try getting him out, he often wakes up but sometimes I am lucky and I can lie him in his bed. 

2. Putting him in his carry cot on the wheels and walking him around. It's only effective though when he is already asleep and I want him to stay asleep when I put him in his cot. And it is quite difficult to wheel him around as our flat is quite small and also if the weather is good it is difficult to just go out till he falls asleep as we have to walk down four flights of stairs!! (good exercise though) 

3. White noise. With him its everything that is noisy: hair dryer, hoover, kettle. Tried using the white noise from Youtube but it does not work on him. Once he was lying on the sofa and his father was entertaining him so I could hoover the floor after Shabbat (The floor always seems to eat too on Friday night and Saturday lunch. Don't ask me why, maybe it is hungry). As soon as the hoover came one the little boy fell asleep! On his back! no carrying him around, no sling, nothing. Has not happened again but I still have hope :). The white noise often helps him to stay asleep. After a while I don't hear the noise any more, you just get used to it. It is annoying when I want to watch Friends or Modern family but it is important for him to sleep and I can use the time in a better way then watching series like making food, doing washing... 

4. My husband can walk him to sleep in the tiger position. I can't, for some reason my little fusspot can't get comfortable like that. But that is fine with me. It's his thing with his father. 

5. His nona bought him a nice new chair to sit in and he loves it (it's his happy place) but once he starts fussing the chair also can not help any more. 

6. I have noticed that taking him for a walk tires him out also if he sleeps through the whole walk. Maybe it is the fresh air, who knows? at the moment though it is just a theory, the testing phase is not over yet. 

When you read about regulation disorders it always says that in the evenings the babies start to be fussy and cry a lot more then during the day. But why is that? Can anybody explain that to me? Is it because we, parents, are more stress about them sleeping, because we want to get them into a routine or because we want some time for ourselves? The most important thing is that one stays calm and doesn't get annoyed. I often do not get annoyed but I feel bad because there is nothing I can do to help him really except contain his feelings and make him feel like he is not alone. And also if he wakes me up at night or cries for most of the day he is still my own precious heart! He is so sweet I could eat him. I always think it is a weird thing to say because I do not want to eat him but I and also other people say it about children. Wonder where it comes from!? I will look it up now so see you maybe tomorrow... 

Nursery

I'm writing this while pushing the pram backwards and forwards, backwards and forwards. If I stop my little man will wake up. I am trying to "teach" him to sleep in his bed.


Today's female generation has to live with a conflict: on the one hand women should take maternity leave to live through the transition of becoming a mother and to spend quality time with her baby. In addition psychologist always highlight that the first three years in the development of the child are the most important. On the other hand women feel pressured to leave the maternity phase again so they can get on with their careers. Mothers have to make a personal compromise. It is important to recognise that if a mother is unhappy at home it is better for her and the child to go back to work. No matter whether the child goes to kindergarten or stays at home, the quality of care is important. The quality of care at home can sometimes be increased by the mother working part time. Why? Because she will feel more fulfilled then if she is "just" a stay- home mum. She will feel like she did something for herself and she will spend more quality time with her child which she will be able to enjoy more.

What are the requirements for the care in a kindergarten/nursery?

In the first year of life an infant should be able to develop a secure attachment to the main caregiver, in most cases the mother. But this experience of interaction is important for the whole development, not just for the first year. When a child starts exploring the world (in play) the mother acts as a secure base. This means that the child has the reassurance that when scared he/she will be able to go back the mother for comfort. When there is no secure base exploration will be inhibited. The secure base is very important in a new environment, like in day care. The teacher will be able to become a secondary attachment figure but this is a process and takes time. Psychologist and development experts emphasise that a child needs a period of time to settle in a new environment which needs to be planed and should have no time frame, on the contrary the child's needs should be the first priority (Settling your child into daycare ). First of all the kindergarten team should provide one person who is the main teacher of the child. This is the teacher the child will get attached to and should officiate as the secure base. In the transition period the child is given the opportunity, in presence of the mother, to get to know the main- teacher and learn to trust her/him. Separation to the main-teacher needs to be prepared for example if the teacher is going on maternity leave or for a long holiday and a new teacher needs to be introduced before the separation. The individual needs of the child have to be recognised and properly interpreted by the teacher e.g. the need for attachment, autonomy or being integrated. Furthermore the teacher needs to respond promptly which is only possible if she is only responsible for two or three children. So this is one of the important things to watch out for! The smaller the groups of children the better for the child. Why? For example a shy , quiet child can often get lost in a big group. Often the noisier you are the more attention you get, am I not right?
Nursery can be very overwhelming and exhausting for the child. Parents need to recognise this and accept it without feeling guilty. Do not undermine their feelings and but tell them that you understand that everyday life in the nursery is a strain for them. If you feel that your child is not well taken care of do, not ignore this feeling. Try to talk to the teachers about it and find a way with them to make the day more pleasant for the child but if it isn't possible and you feel the teachers do not care about the individual needs of your child then try to find a nursery that can give your child what he/she needs. 


What are positive aspects of day care?  When the teacher acts as a secure base for the child the wish to explore is satisfied which is very important for the development of the child. Children are given the opportunity to develop psychosocial skills which are important in the interaction with other children. children learn how to play in a group, how to share toys and how to manage conflict. This is particularly important for children who grow up without siblings. 

You can not imagine how long it took me to write this post. really hard to type with one hand! guess how often my son woke up?