Sleep training my baby

It has been a while since I have posted anything. This has many reasons. One of them was that my son was not sleeping in his crib and needed to be carried around or held while he was sleeping. So I did not get round to anything all I could do was walk, stand and maybe if I was lucky sit on the couch, I lost quite a lot of weight though. Worst diet ever: have a baby get him into a bad sleeping habit and never have time to eat or sit :). And when he was awake I wanted to spend time with him or I had to do some of the housework. So now you must be thinking? Well if she is writing now she must have got her baby to sleep in his crib. Yes I have but we are still in the training phase. You can not imagine how much research I did before I started sleep training him. I was hoping for an easy fix so I kept on looking I thought someone in his world must have found some magic trick. Guess what? I NEVER FOUND IT but I am still hopeful and looking. 

I would not describe myself as a very patient person but I realise that I have to develop patience with a child and I have become much better. But when you are looking for training solutions you have the choice between ones that feel like they take forever or the ones that tell you to let your baby cry. I can't do that, I can not listen to him cry for longer then a minute. So I started with the "Picking- up, Lying- him- down" training which means that you put him down in his crib and when he starts crying you pick him up again and so on. I read that one woman had to pick up her child 140 times before he slept. Imagine 140 times? When I heard that I just wanted to take a nap myself. But I tried it, after 1 1/2 hours I was ready to give up and let my child sleep on me for the rest of his life. I'm not kidding! You feel like you want to kill somebody after that. AND he wasn't even asleep after 1 1/2 hours! 

I did give up and a week later I started again because I knew ultimately that I need to do it for him and for myself. But in the end I did it my own way. I'm not sure if it is the right way but it is the way that I chose. So I did pick him up and put him down again but I rocked the crib and I put on the extractor fan in the kitchen, as white noise calms him down. This we did for a week. This week I am fazing out the noise and next week I am fazing out the rocking. And once I get him into a routine of that I am going to get him to sleep in his big crib in his own room.I have a lot of fazing out to do I know! And lets hope his teething will not get into the way of that. Yes my son has decided that he needs his teeth already. At the moment thank god they are not bothering them but the horror stories you read on the internet do not sound encouraging.Can not believe that he is teething already. Always when he does something new I see him going off to university. He is growing up so quickly. But back to sleeping. One step at a time. 

I am sure you know this feeling of relieve when your baby is finally asleep and you think "now I can do the washing and start cooking and tidy up but first I will check if someone wrote to me on facebook or maybe I got that E-Mail I have been waiting for" and half an hour later you still are sitting on the couch in front of your laptop either on facebook, pinterest or looking up what your child should be doing at his age. Never good idea to do that. Always ends with fear, guilt and stress. And when you finally get up to do all the things that are written on your "DO TO LIST" you hear the baby waking up! "WHAAT? why did he only sleep for 30 minutes? WHY GOD WHY?"In his next nap I will need to research that and I will let you know what I find out ;)

Do you know what it feels like for a NICU mum?

I have been reading alot about having a premature baby and about all the different kinds of feelings one experiences after one has given birth. A lot talk about feeling guilty because mothers often believe that it is their fault, that they could have done something to stop it. Or they feel angry because they just do not understand why this has happened to them. Anyway. I was thinking a lot about how it was for me when I gave birth. And for a long time I did not feel anything but anxiety for my child. There was so much adrenaline inside of me that did not allow me to think about myself. It was only much later when my son was doing much better already when all these feelings appeared.

I was angry but I was already angry when they diagnosed my son and told us that he would have to have an operation after birth. I just did not understand why god would allow something like that to happen to a baby. I also felt like that when my baby was born. My husband never was angry with god and he is a real believer. I at some point during the pregnancy said I can not believe in a god who would do something like that. But in the end when my son was born I prayed for him to get better. I prayed for him not to suffer too much. While I am writing this my son is lying on me, sleeping and snoring. It is such a sweet noise. Sometimes he lies on his dad and they both snore away together. It always makes me smile. Later I  was angry that I  could not take care of my baby like I  wanted. I had to ask when I wanted to hold him. I could not change his nappy or hold him when he cried. I wasn't allowed to see him for 6 hours during the day because there were rounds or ultrasounds or something. There was always something going on.  It was so frustrating that I was told to leave my baby crying because there was a shift change or I do not what. I often refused to leave till someone came to comfort him. The doctors and the nurses hated me but what do I care. You have to fight for your child, you have to protect him. 

I was sad that I did not get to be pregnant for 9 months. That I did not get the experience of having a huuuuuge belly. Most people say that I should be happy and I did not miss anything: Everybody complains about the 9 month. And yes I am sure one feels terrible but I think the body and your psychic needs to go through that stage. It is you getting ready to have the baby. I was never ready to have the baby. It was like they ripped him out of me. And I missed him. When I went home it felt like I had forgotten something. When I was out shopping for the baby stuff it just did not feel right, I was not pregnant any more but I also did not have my baby with me. I do not know what it is like when you start bleeding and you have contractions and you know it is too early but there is nothing you can do. I can imagine that it must be very scary. But at least your body experiences natural contractions. Your body gets ready to give birth and if you are "lucky" you can give birth normally. I was told I had to give birth today, they operated, cut him out and they took him. They took him away from me. And yes I know it was because they could take better care of him then I could: It was safer for him to be born. How does it make you feel to hear that? I will tell you. it makes you feel inadequate.

And now I realised  that I felt alone. I was not really alone. my husband was with me in hospital every day for the first month. When I was still recovering from the operation he did not leave the hospital. Even at night when he could not be with me in the room. Stupid rules. He was amazing but I felt alone. He did not understand what I was feeling, nobody understood what I felt. I do not even think the other mothers in the NICU understand. Everybody has their own story. And  No words can really explain this feeling. 

I was afraid of everything. The machines, the nurses, the doctors. I was afraid that I would never bond properly with my child. I was afraid that my baby would have all sorts of psychological problems. He probably will. But all I can do is do my best and as Winnicott says be "a good enough mother".

And now I am going to say something that I do not feel good about. But I was jealous. I was jealous of all the mothers who could take their babies home. At first it was just the mothers who were not in the NICU. Then it was women who were still pregnant and then it was mothers in the NICU. Of course I was happy for them, You becomes friends with these women, you talk about everything because everything comes up when you are sitting together in the pumping room. But you still feel jealous when they can go home and you remain. The worst time for me was when more then half the babies went home and some of them babies who came after us. And I knew that some of these mothers had been in the NICU for much longer then we had. But still they were going home. I felt guilty about feeling that way. I can assure you one does not want to feel that way. 

I feel guilty that my child had to go through such horrible things. And I feel guilty that he now has to get tests done that are uncomfortable and bother him a lot. He is now much more aware of things which makes it even harder. And sometimes I feel guilty that I did not go to the doctor earlier. But how could I have known that I did not have enough amniotic fluid? You can think now she is an idiot she should have noticed that it was leaking out  but it was not!! It was in him. That is why he lost so much weight after birth. Yes it is normal for him to lose weight but not so much. I couldn't have known. But I feel like I should have! You know?

Pumping, Breastfeeding and everything else

When I breastfeed my little boy I feel it is a little miracle. Usually breastfeeding is a natural thing for mothers and babies. And believe me when I was pregnant I had this idea of holding my baby for the first time and trying to breastfeed him. I wondered what it would feel like, wonder how I would feel about it. Well it never happened that way. Well of course there was a first time I tried breastfeeding but it wasn't nice and it wasn't anything like I imagined it would be.
It was me sitting next to the incubator, with curtains closed which always made me feel a bit claustrophobic. I was scared of his catheter falling out, is oxygen dropping and his heart rate being too high. I was just worried about everything. And he could not do it at all. He took it in his mouth and did not like it. He had no idea what he had to do.
He always got breast milk though because I always expressed milk. That was romantic: a machine on my breast pulling at them. And the noise just drove me crazy. Because I was not making enough milk I had to do it every two hours. My life consisted of either waiting to see my baby, being with my baby or pumping. For a long time he could not even eat with a bottle. The poor little thing had a feeding tube which was actually pretty cool because the nurses were able to suck out the air that was in in tummy. For the first few weeks of his life he never had tummy problems. Sometimes I wish I could suck the air out of my tummy. It would make me feel so much better :)
When you see my baby boy eat now you would not think that a couple of months ago he hated eating. He used to eat 10 cc and fall asleep. It was like he had no interest in eating. Sometimes I felt like I wanted to scream. I just could not understand why it was taking him so much longer then other babies. I think if he could he would eat now all the time. 24 hours. Even when he is sleeping he would like to eat. He makes these sweet sucking movements when he is sleeping. It looks so cute.

So when did he start eating properly? 

He was on a very strict routine: Feeding was every three hours, not earlier and not later. And somehow it did not agree with him. He wanted to eat when he wanted to. So at some point, after I had a "nervous breakdown" the doctors decided that we were allowed to feed him on demand. They were only really able to do that because I was there all day. The nurses do not have time to feed the babies every 1- 2 hours that is why they have this schedule. After that he did it. It was a miracle. 

Did I just say nervous breakdown?  It was not exactly that but I was under a lot of stress. The urologist ordered a specific instrument for the operation and because the hospital has money problems they were not prepared to pay for it. The doctor said that we might have to go to a different hospital if the hospital does not get it's act together. And the other thing was that Dan was doing great with eating for the whole day and then in the evening he did not eat his whole bottle. He was tired after his bath and instead of just leaving him the nurse insisted in giving him the feeding tube again. I was so angry because it was just one feed. They did not really have to be worried about his weight any more so it was not the end of the world that he did not finish his bottle. But anyway. They put the feeding tube back in and I could not stop crying. Everybody knew about it. At that point I was not any more the nudniky mother (nudnik means something like pushy), I was also the mother who cried. They probably thought I was unstable or something. 

anyway back to breastfeeding. when I left the hospital I was breastfeeding him once a day. And when I came home it was really hard to pump, feed him and do all the other things I had to do in house. Going out was also hard because he needed to eat so I always needed to bring a bottle with me but I also needed to pump. And you can not pump in public! OR have you ever seen someone express milk in a restaurant? No of course you have not.  And it is one thing to wake up at night and stick your baby to your breast but to actually get up warm a bottle while your baby is crying in the other room and your husband getting annoyed that he is not getting enough sleep,... Again. And although the nurses said I should not start breastfeeding him more then once a day I did. I started feeding him at night which made the nights so much more bearable. And then I do not remember when but at some point I stopped pumping and was able to only breastfeed. No more sterilising, no more pumping, no more bottles. I am glad that I expressed milk. The doctors always said it is the best medicine that you can give him and also if it was uncomfortable and hurt sometimes you do what you need to for your child. No? But then you should do what is best for you. If you do not feel comfortable breastfeeding then you should not do it because your baby will know that you are not enjoying it. And if you can not breastfeed then you should also accept that. I always said to myself that if I can not breastfeed then it is not the end of the world. My whole pregnancy did not work out the way I imagined it so it would not have been a surprise if that also had not worked out. It is funny now a days I think women feel the pressure of having to breastfeed but there was once a time when women did not even consider it. It was completely normal to just bottle feed your baby and if you did decide to breastfeed you were "weird". It is strange how the world goes through phases. Important is though that you do what you want to do and not what society wants. On Facebook I sometimes see people posting about their problems with breastfeeding, some women say they do not enjoy it but they still struggle to do it. I think that is the wrong way to go. Or? What do you think?


I miss now seeing my husband feed our son. It was probably a way for them to bond which they do not have any more. But they have other ways to bond. And he is so happy for me that it worked out for me. And I am happy too that it worked out for me. And Dan is also very happy that it worked out :) 

The End

Children's books. Part deux

Sally and Dick have nothing to do on a rainy day. Unexpectedly the cat in the hat comes to visit to show them how much fun one can have indoors. But are Sally and Dick really having fun?

Lovely book especially if you can do the different voices. Have to get the book to practice so I can do it as well as Dan's Nonas. 

What is a Gruffalo? Well get this book for your grandchild and you will find out together :)

When I worked in a Kindergarten the children really liked this book. I ended up either reading this book or a Disney book again and again till I had no voice :)  

Old bear counts "one, two, three, four" while all the other stuffed animals try to find a good hiding place. Little bear hides himself so well, that it can't be found. Is he really lost?I had this book as a child and I loved it. When I go home next time I will have to look for it in the many boxes that we have at home!

Here's a little baby
one, two, three,
Sits in his high chair
What does he see??
Peepo!

Look through the holes to find out what the little baby sees. Children love looking at the details of the wonderful illustrations. Very fun book for babies, toddlers and adults. My mum already bought this book for me :) 

Who is afraid of 7 o'clock? I am!

Why is it that babies become fussy in the evening?

With my son, it is like he has an alarm set for 7 o'clock.  So between about 7 and 12 o'clock he is mostly fussy. He has maybe half an hour when he is in a good mood but sleeping is not on his agenda although one feels he wants to sleep but can't.  Don't really know if he can fight sleep yet, he is probably abit to young for that but it does seem that way. 
But why is it that it is only in the evening? I know it is not his tummy because thank god I found out what was causing his wind! Milky products. Who would have thought?! When I read it for the first time in my "new baby care book" I could not believe it. Why on earth should milky products cause wind? But I tried it. For two weeks I have not eaten anything milky. No milk, no cheese, no chocolate (and I LOVE chocolate), no nothing. It is really hard especially because I used to live of cereal. During pregnancy I ate cereal for breakfast and lunch, sometimes I ate it as a snack. Life is so much easier if you can just make yourself a sandwich with cheese. But since I cut out milky products my son hasn't had any problems with his tummy and it has become a good time to start my low carb diet :). But he is still fussy between 7 and 12 o'clock. Yesterday someone told me to cut out diet coke, something to do with the acid and the caffeine- I am going to try it for a couple of weeks and see if it makes a difference, not that I drink much coke but it is worth the shot right? I will let you know if it changes anything in his behavior. The other strange thing is that he wants to eat every hour. During the night he can sleep for 3-4 hours and during the day he eats every 2 hours. And at first I thought it was for comfort but it isn't he sucks as if he had't eaten for hours. 
I feel sorry for my husband who only gets to see him like this during the week. Thank god at the weekend he sees a different side as well. 
We (me, my husband, my little boy, and his nona) have found a couple of different things that help him calm down: 

1. Carrying him around in the sling or in the baby carrier. At first he screams his head off but once I start moving he falls asleep. The problem is always when I try getting him out, he often wakes up but sometimes I am lucky and I can lie him in his bed. 

2. Putting him in his carry cot on the wheels and walking him around. It's only effective though when he is already asleep and I want him to stay asleep when I put him in his cot. And it is quite difficult to wheel him around as our flat is quite small and also if the weather is good it is difficult to just go out till he falls asleep as we have to walk down four flights of stairs!! (good exercise though) 

3. White noise. With him its everything that is noisy: hair dryer, hoover, kettle. Tried using the white noise from Youtube but it does not work on him. Once he was lying on the sofa and his father was entertaining him so I could hoover the floor after Shabbat (The floor always seems to eat too on Friday night and Saturday lunch. Don't ask me why, maybe it is hungry). As soon as the hoover came one the little boy fell asleep! On his back! no carrying him around, no sling, nothing. Has not happened again but I still have hope :). The white noise often helps him to stay asleep. After a while I don't hear the noise any more, you just get used to it. It is annoying when I want to watch Friends or Modern family but it is important for him to sleep and I can use the time in a better way then watching series like making food, doing washing... 

4. My husband can walk him to sleep in the tiger position. I can't, for some reason my little fusspot can't get comfortable like that. But that is fine with me. It's his thing with his father. 

5. His nona bought him a nice new chair to sit in and he loves it (it's his happy place) but once he starts fussing the chair also can not help any more. 

6. I have noticed that taking him for a walk tires him out also if he sleeps through the whole walk. Maybe it is the fresh air, who knows? at the moment though it is just a theory, the testing phase is not over yet. 

When you read about regulation disorders it always says that in the evenings the babies start to be fussy and cry a lot more then during the day. But why is that? Can anybody explain that to me? Is it because we, parents, are more stress about them sleeping, because we want to get them into a routine or because we want some time for ourselves? The most important thing is that one stays calm and doesn't get annoyed. I often do not get annoyed but I feel bad because there is nothing I can do to help him really except contain his feelings and make him feel like he is not alone. And also if he wakes me up at night or cries for most of the day he is still my own precious heart! He is so sweet I could eat him. I always think it is a weird thing to say because I do not want to eat him but I and also other people say it about children. Wonder where it comes from!? I will look it up now so see you maybe tomorrow... 

Nursery

I'm writing this while pushing the pram backwards and forwards, backwards and forwards. If I stop my little man will wake up. I am trying to "teach" him to sleep in his bed.


Today's female generation has to live with a conflict: on the one hand women should take maternity leave to live through the transition of becoming a mother and to spend quality time with her baby. In addition psychologist always highlight that the first three years in the development of the child are the most important. On the other hand women feel pressured to leave the maternity phase again so they can get on with their careers. Mothers have to make a personal compromise. It is important to recognise that if a mother is unhappy at home it is better for her and the child to go back to work. No matter whether the child goes to kindergarten or stays at home, the quality of care is important. The quality of care at home can sometimes be increased by the mother working part time. Why? Because she will feel more fulfilled then if she is "just" a stay- home mum. She will feel like she did something for herself and she will spend more quality time with her child which she will be able to enjoy more.

What are the requirements for the care in a kindergarten/nursery?

In the first year of life an infant should be able to develop a secure attachment to the main caregiver, in most cases the mother. But this experience of interaction is important for the whole development, not just for the first year. When a child starts exploring the world (in play) the mother acts as a secure base. This means that the child has the reassurance that when scared he/she will be able to go back the mother for comfort. When there is no secure base exploration will be inhibited. The secure base is very important in a new environment, like in day care. The teacher will be able to become a secondary attachment figure but this is a process and takes time. Psychologist and development experts emphasise that a child needs a period of time to settle in a new environment which needs to be planed and should have no time frame, on the contrary the child's needs should be the first priority (Settling your child into daycare ). First of all the kindergarten team should provide one person who is the main teacher of the child. This is the teacher the child will get attached to and should officiate as the secure base. In the transition period the child is given the opportunity, in presence of the mother, to get to know the main- teacher and learn to trust her/him. Separation to the main-teacher needs to be prepared for example if the teacher is going on maternity leave or for a long holiday and a new teacher needs to be introduced before the separation. The individual needs of the child have to be recognised and properly interpreted by the teacher e.g. the need for attachment, autonomy or being integrated. Furthermore the teacher needs to respond promptly which is only possible if she is only responsible for two or three children. So this is one of the important things to watch out for! The smaller the groups of children the better for the child. Why? For example a shy , quiet child can often get lost in a big group. Often the noisier you are the more attention you get, am I not right?
Nursery can be very overwhelming and exhausting for the child. Parents need to recognise this and accept it without feeling guilty. Do not undermine their feelings and but tell them that you understand that everyday life in the nursery is a strain for them. If you feel that your child is not well taken care of do, not ignore this feeling. Try to talk to the teachers about it and find a way with them to make the day more pleasant for the child but if it isn't possible and you feel the teachers do not care about the individual needs of your child then try to find a nursery that can give your child what he/she needs. 


What are positive aspects of day care?  When the teacher acts as a secure base for the child the wish to explore is satisfied which is very important for the development of the child. Children are given the opportunity to develop psychosocial skills which are important in the interaction with other children. children learn how to play in a group, how to share toys and how to manage conflict. This is particularly important for children who grow up without siblings. 

You can not imagine how long it took me to write this post. really hard to type with one hand! guess how often my son woke up?

Settling a child into day care

How can we make the transition easier for the child? 

Phase one: start reading books to the child about going to kindergarten, this is a good way of introducing the idea to him/her or watch programs where children are in nursery. 

Phase two: The child goes to kindergarten with the mother. The child meets the new teachers and children and the main- teacher will be introduced too. For a week the mother will go to kindergarten with the child. At the beginning the mother will be more dominate but later on the mother will just sit on the chair, watch her child play with the other children. Important in this phase is that the main teacher is available to the child and takes responsibility. The interaction between mother and teacher can insure the child that the teacher can be trusted. 

Phase three: The mother comes to kindergarten with the child but leaves the child for a couple of hours alone. Here it is very important that the main teacher gives clear signals that the child is able to turn to her/him if needed. The mother needs to stay available for the kindergarten to call her to come back if needed. If the child is not able to be alone in the kindergarten one should return to phase one. Otherwise this phase should continue for a week or two depending on the child. Every couple of days the hours of the mother not being there should be increased.  

Phase four: Mother brings her child to kindergarten and says goodbye. It is important that the main teacher is available to comfort the child especially after saying goodbye but also throughout the day. Also in this phase the mother should stay available by phone to come back if the child is inconsolable. Make sure you pack a comfort toy at the beginning. It is something familiar and is something from home. It will help the child to say goodbye and during the day the child can hold it and cuddle it when needed. 

Children's books, part une

This is one of my favourite children books. Alfie goes to a birthday party for the first time without his mum. He takes his blanket with him and won't let go of it, not until he sees a girl crying and he tries comforting her. 
It is not just the story that I love about this book it is the pictures! 

A witch and her cat fly over forest, river etc. The witch loses her bow, wand her hat which is only finds because different animals help her out. She lets them fly with her on her broom. Unfortunately her broom breaks into two. A greedy dragon finds them and what happens next? You will just have to get the book and find out. 

Another Shirley Hughes book. Just love her books. This is the nursery collection with five different "stories": Colours, All Shapes and Sizes, Noisy, Bathwater's Hot and When We Went to the Park. 

The rag dolls are very excited about Halloween until they run into the thorn witch. The story stays interesting until the last line and the pictures are outstanding! 


Soon more to come. Tell me what did you like reading to your children/grandchildren? 

Smiling

A couple of weeks ago (25th of January to be exact) my little man smiled for the first time. I can't say that he smiled at me because he did not. It was early in the morning and he had kept me up from 5 till 7. He woke up to eat but then was in such a good mood that he did not want to go back to sleep. Trying to get him to sleep just made him angry, so he played. I call it play because I do not know what else to call it. He lies in his bed or on his playmat and looks at pictures. He loves looking at himself in a mirror without realising of course that it is him he is seeing. Anyway at 7 he finally goes back to sleep. So at 9 (a more civilized hour to wake up) he wakes up, eats and then needs changing. He is looking and looking and suddenly he smiles. And this time it is not his reflex smile. It is a proper smile. His eyes smile too. And he does it again this time he makes a funny sound that could be a laughing noise. I get so excited I reach for the camera and try to take a picture. It was the most beautiful thing in the world. I don't know what he was smiling at or about. Maybe he was just feeling happy, maybe it was the colourful duvet covert that he likes looking at or maybe he knew that he gave me a hard night and he wanted to do something nice for his mummy. First smile is one of the most wonderful things in the world and to me every smile that came after that is still the most beautiful thing in the world.

Two days ago for example I was singing him a German song about a cat that dances alone till an animal comes and wants to dance with her. Every time it is a different animal. She always declines the offer because of something but then the animal comes closer to her and says something in her ear. You don't know what the animal actually says so you just say giberish at that point of the song. So I whisper in my sons ear: pshpshspshsoshosh. And he starts smiling. Maybe it was he feeling in his ear maybe it was something completely different but it was so special because I felt like he was reacting to something that I did. At this point he still had not smiled back at me.

And then today, again a difficult night, let me explain the scenario: He was ready to sleep, he was fed, dry but fussy for some reason best known to himself. He fell asleep for 10 minutes at a time then woke up again. I was ready to sleep, my husband was snoring already next to me but my little son did not want to sleep. I felt like there was nothing I could do to make him settle. So in the end I gave up on sleep and sat in the living room to watch an episode of Dr. House. At some point he finally went to sleep and then the night became better but it was already 2:30. This morning I had to get up early because I had to take Dan to the kidney doctor, so no sleeping in for Mummy. I started feeding Dan and then he stopped eating and he made his fart face which is basically him opening his eyes wide and squeezing his mouth together. Suddenly I hear loudest fart ever, I look at him and laugh.And he looks at me and smiles back. For the first time he smiled back at me. IT WAS INCREDIBLE.

At least once a day my husband can hear me scream "HE'S SMILING". very sure it won't change for a very long time: If you are a parent or a grandparent I can just advice you to enjoy every smile, every sweet noise the baby makes, enjoy everything. They grow up so quickly. 

Videos that you should watch!!!

Infants need us for comfort but in this experiment you will see that they need us also for reassurance. They can not act in an unknown situation without us.

Secure or insecure attachment? 

Children need interaction. Have a look :)

so sweet and funny!!

When are children aware of themselves?

At about the age of 4 children realise that people have their own mind which means that they have different feelings and thoughts then oneself. It is called the theory of mind. Here have a look. Quite funny to watch the experiments:

How to help your grandchild through a divorce

Grandparents can play an important role for grandchildren whose parents are getting a divorce. 

Why?
Often the grandparents are the most important caregivers within the family (after the parents of course). You are the person who knows the child the longest and you have had the most consistent relationship to the child after the parents. And now the child can experience that even if his/her parents separate there are family relationships that remain the same. This can give your grandchild security which is important in his difficult time.

It is not going to become easier

You have to realise that grandparenting becomes more complicated if your child is getting a divorce. You will be afraid to seem disloyal towards your child if you visit your grandchild at your child's ex-spouse. You will worry about the other grandparents feelings like they do not see their child enough or you will worry that you have share your little time with your grandchild with them and then of course you are afraid that your child's ex- spouse will not let you see your grandchild on a regular basis. And as I said before your relationship to your grandchild becomes more important. It is not anymore  just about babysitting, making your grandchild his favourite food and buying presents. You have a bigger responsibility now or not, if you do not want to. But I am guessing you would not be reading this if you did not want to help your grandchild. 

What can you do for your child? 

Help out at home and just be there

The single parent often lives under economic pressure and needs more support in everyday life. You can ask yourself if you would like to help this parent by looking after the child/children once a week after school or nursery so that the parent can emotionally "recharge". If you have the ability you can try to support the family financially in order to provide the grandchild with certain options e.g. Dance lessons, private tutoring, etc.. 
Be there for your child. As I said in my earlier post it is an emotional and stressful time for your child. Your child is not expecting any advice what he/she really wants is just someone who will listen to not just her problems but also her worries about the children (e.g. how they are going to handle the divorce, is it going to have a negative effect on them...)

What can you do for your grandchild? 

Be the oasis of no change

Your house should be a place where everything has remained the same as before. Maybe it will be your grandchild safe place. A place where your grandchild will be able to talk about his feelings. But do not force them to talk about it if they do not want to. Do not ask questions if they do not bring up the topic. A safe place also means a place where they do not have to think about everything that is going on at home, a place where for a while everything is just fine. 

Talk to your child about your grandchild 

If your grandchild brings up something important in a conversation to you try to talk to your child about it. Ask yourself first will it be possible to change the situation or is it important for his/her situation that the parents know about it?! And only if the answer is yes, then you should try talking to your child about it. Try doing it in a non accusing way as the divorce and everything around is a sensitive topic for your child. He/she might be upset that your grandchild was not able to talk to him/her. 

Make your grandchild feel it is okay however he/she feels. 

Often children feel like they are not allowed to feel a certain way  for example if he/she is angry with the parent who has left, or if he/she does not wants to live with daddy and not with mummy. It is important that your grandchild has a place where he/she can express his/her emotions. 

Grandchildren of divorced parents

I was not able to post anything yesterday because I was ill and could not do anything but lie in bed. So me and my little boy spend all day in bed. He was a really good boy. I think he knew I was not feeling well. Today I am writing something about grandchildren of divorced parents. 

A  lot of marriages end in divorce. I do not think it is relevant to bring up numbers as it is not important for the subjet.
So let us first see what it means for the family.

For the spouses a divorce is a  very emotional time especially if one of the spouses does not want to separate. They have to deal with feelings of resentment, anger and loss. But also if both parents agree to the divorce the transition is difficult for them.The spouse relationship does not exist any more but the parental relationship has to continue. It is very difficult for spouses to achieve that. The single parent often feels overwhelmed and the parent who is not entitled to custody feels isolated from the child.

Divorce is a process: at first the spouses think about separation but they are still ambivalent, second they go through with the separation and one of the spouses has to move out of their joint house and third the legal divorce. The legal divorce often is a fight about money and custody of the children. In all three phases the needs of the child stay unnoticed.

For the child the divorce of the parents is very stressful. The only form of a family life is collapsing and they feel abandoned by the parent with whom it no longer live together even if the child still sees the parent regularly. Often the child develops the fear that the other parent could also leave him. Many children feel guilty for the separation of their parents, think it is their fault. You, as a grandparent, can provide stability in this situation. It would be unrealistic to ask you to have a neutral attitude to the divorce. It is normal that you take sides, whether it is on your own child or your son in law/daughter in law. But it is important that in front of your grandchild you keep your feelings to yourself. 

Soothing a colicky baby

I am sorry to tell you that nothing will work like magic. Every child is different and it is just try and error. Here are some things that you can try or tell your daughter/ daughter-in-law to try out, I hope that something will work. 

Often the baby swallows a lot of air and get terrible wind. So you can try using a hot water bottle. Do not use boiling water because it will be too hot for the baby. Wrap the bottle in a towel and place it on you and then lie the baby on you. You probably know from yourself when you have wind that warmth makes you feel better. It's worth a try. 

Try massaging the tummy. Warm your hands before you touch your babies tummy and then gently massage him. It might release trapped wind. 

Bath you baby. You should only try that if your grandchild likes bathing. My little boy hated bathing, he used to cry through it. But if the baby enjoys bathing it can help him/her relax. 

You have to accept that sometimes you can not soothe your grandchild. He/She will cry and you won't be able do anything about it. Stay calm and just be the baby. I know it is hard to bare the crying but your grandchild will know that you are there. Try to contain him/her.

You can try swaddling your grandchild. They say it is like being back in the womb. I tried swaddling my boy but it does not do anything. It actually makes him more upset. Some people swear on it and they say their baby sleeps through the night because they swaddle him/her. You just have to try it out. 

Try different positions. Try to figure out in which position your grandchild is most comfortable. I found out that kangarooing soothes my baby. Kangaroo care means that your chest is bare and the baby is naked too. The skin to skin contact and hearing my heart beat calms him down and I enjoy it too.

White noise should help soothe a child but it drives me mad!! I found on YouTube eight hours of white noise. It might have soothed my baby but it definitely did not calm me down. I put music on that I listened to when I was pregnant. Research showed that music that you listened to while you were pregnant soothes the baby because they somehow remember it. 

Start moving! A vibrating infant seat, put him in the car and drive around, put him in a swing. I heard once a mother put her baby in the carseat and let him sit on the dryer when it was on. She felt guilty about it but I think if it does not harm the baby and it calm him/her down then do it and do not feel bad about it. You can also try putting the baby in a sling and carrying him/her around. That is how you can get things done too.

My husband welcomed me yesterday in the world of colicky babies. I studied psychology, I heard about what colic means. I read about it, tried to think of different ways of soothing a child. Now I am actually in the situation and I just think you had no idea what you were talking about. So all I can say now: try to stay calm and get help from family or friends. 

Was your child colicky? Or your grandchild has colic? What helped, what did not? Share with us your experience and help other grandparents and parents!!!

Infantile colic

Crying is a biological signal and the most effective and important form of communication. With this signal the baby is able to communicate his needs like hunger, thirst, feeling hot or cold, needing to be close to somebody. Crying is a very intense signal because it should motivate the parents to immediately react and find out what the baby needs and relieve them for their discomfort.
A baby is only diagnosed with infantile colic if the episode of crying is more than three hours a day, for more than three days a week for a three week duration. You will notice that the baby normally starts crying at the same time (late afternoon) and that the cry is high pitch and louder then normally. Often the infants won't lie on their backs or tummies. It leads to that the parents walk around with the baby for hours and hours. The change of stimulation calms the baby down for a couple of minutes but it leads to a over stimulation and exhaustion. 
I think at this point it is not really so important to discuss why some babys get it and some don't. I think it is more important to imagine what it is like for the parents of these babys. That is how you become a good support system for the family.

The parents can become chronically agitated and it leads to the feeling of helplessness, aggression, worthlessness, insecurity,  fear of failing and depression. The parental skills become restricted and it makes it even harder for them to calm their baby. Often the relationship will suffer as they are both agitated and have no time for themselves. 

A social network is very important in times like these. Mothers need a time out, need to get back her energy so that she can the strength and the patience to be able to calm her baby. You as a grandparent can be a very important resource. 

How do you think you can help your children in a times like this? If you are a mother or a father who has a colicky baby tell us how you need help? What do you need your parents to do for you?

10 great ways to help out

1. Ask before coming over. It is great for the new parents to have you around and help out and of course you also want to spend time with your grandchild. It is important though that you respect that they might have plans or they just want to be for themselves so before coming over call and ask if it is a good time for them.

2. Babysitting is a great way for you to spend time with your grandchild and your daughter/daughter-in- law is able to catch up with sleep or have a shower in peace without being afraid that she won't hear the baby cry. 

3. Go shopping. If you have been out with a baby recently you know how difficult it is to do anything really. Shopping is stressful because you are trying not to wake the baby while looking at the shelves, trying to figure out what you need to buy. And as soon as you stop you hear the baby waking up so you race around the shop like a mad man and in the end you don't buy anything you really need. Then you arrive home, thankfully the baby is still sleeping and you try carrying the baby and the shopping into the flat. I live on the forth floor without a lift so you can imagine how thankful I am when someone else goes shopping for me.

4. Make dinner or lunch. As my baby was a preemie our baby had to stay in hospital for nearly two months. We left the house at 7 and I spent all day with the baby in hospital. My husband used to come after work and we left the hospital normally at about 11 to go home. We did not have time to go shopping or make food. Unfortunately our families don't live near us so most of the time we did not have one of our mothers here to mother us. But my husband thankfully has great colleagues and they prepared us food for us. It was amazing and I was/am very thankful to them. So I think it is a great way to help out. It is one thing less one has to worry about!

5. It is important that you help out because YOU want to. You probably have your own life, maybe you are still working so if it does not fit into your schedule don't pressure yourself to go over. 

6. Encourage your daughter/ daughter-in-law that she is doing great. Try to create an environment where she feels safe and confident. It will make her like having you around.  

7. Spend time with the older children! is the new baby is the second, third or forth then the older children will need your attention more then ever because their mother and father (especially their mother) have a lot to do with the new baby. Take them out in the afternoon, pick them up from nursery or school, be there or them.

8.Deal with the washing. Do you know how much washing a baby creates? I really did not think it was as much as it is. When you go over put a load of washing on or fold the clean washing that has been sitting in the dryer for the whole day. I am sure it will be very much appreciated!!

9.Go shopping for clothes with your daughter/daughter-in-law. Not immediately after birth but a couple of months later her pregnancy clothes will be too big for her but her old normal clothes will still not fit her. Suggest going shopping with her. Your job will be to be with the baby while she is trying on clothes. 

10. Keep your opinion to yourself. Do not be judgmental about decisions they make. But if you really feel like you need to share your opinion think before you speak. Try to find a way of sharing without being judgmental. Ask yourself how you would have wanted your mother/mother-in-law to speak to you when your children were little. Maybe ask them if you can tell them what you think and respect if they ask you not to. 


I think one of the most important thing to remember is that you should help out because you want to not because you feel obligated. AND ENJOY YOUR GRANDCHILD! They grow up so quickly. 

Are you a grandparent?  Tell us what did your family want you to help out with? Or are you a mother or a father then tell us how your parents helped or did not? what is a no go for you?

Interacting with your grandchild

One does not realise but an infant is always looking to socially interact with another human being. At first the interaction means being close to someone and later to feel internally close. Feeling internally close to the mother of example means to be able to internalize her. To know that she is still there also if she is not in the room. Being able to internalize is important for the development of a secure attachment. The relationship to the main caretaker (usually the mother) is  foundation for the relationships the child will establish later in life. It is important that one can emphasise with the baby and be sensitive to the babys needs (Grossmann & Grossmann, 2009).

Moreover the main caretaker needs to react appropriately. What does it mean to react appropriately? For example when a baby shows that he wants to play and explore then it is important to let him. Give him the room that he needs but be there as a secure basis. This means that you allow the child return when feelings of anxiety arise. An inappropriate way to react would be if the mother tried sending her baby to sleep or try feeding her. This reaction would lead to a frustration.

I will give you one more example: If a baby wakes up and starts crying and the mother does not react to this cry then the mother will have not reacted appropriately. An infant does not cry for no reason. Sometimes the baby will cry because he is hungry, or feel a discomfort. Sometimes babys cry because the they are afraid or they want to be close to someone. If one does not react to a babys cry the baby will give up at some point and believe that here is nobody out there who will help him. That why it is important to react to the infant without delay. An infant is not able to connect a delayed of the parent with his signal. Moreover should one should remember that the infant does not realise that the mother is not part of him. He needs someone to react to his discomfort as he is depended on someone to relieve him from it. That doesn't mean that you are spoiling your grandchild or that the parents are spoiling your grandchild. You should encourage the parents of your grandchild to react promptly if they don't.

I would like to share with you an incredible video that shows how important it is for a child that the people around him socially interact with it. This video shows an experiment called "still- face" by Dr. Edward Tronick. I won't explain the experiment to you as it will take away the effect of the video.

How did you feel after watching this video? Did you think the baby would react in such an extreme way?

New family

How does a family change when a new baby arrives? What does it mean for husband and wife? How can grandparents help in this overwhelming time?

A new baby changes the life of a woman and a man. The dyadic relationship becomes a triadic relationship with their new child. It is important that the father is not excluded otherwise the dyadic relationship shifts to the mother and child. Furthermore the new parents have to identify with their new role. Mothers often have to give up their job, at least for a while and they have to look after the baby that depends so much on her. Of course during pregnancy one realises that life is going to change but I believe one does not fully understand what that means until the baby comes into the world.

According to Daniel Stern new mothers seek female company especially women who have had children. Woman who are first time mothers need encouragement and support from other women to give them confidence and reassurement, that they are doing their best in looking after their child. As a grandmother it is important to create an environment where your daughter or daughter-in-law feels save to discover her abilities as a mother.

„It should be noted that mothers who have it in them to provide good- enough care can be enabled to do better by being cared for themselves in a way that acknowledges the essential nature of their task“(Winnicott, 1985)

Try to remember what it was like when you had your first child? Do you maybe remember being afraid of doing things wrong or the feeling of helplessness when the baby cried and you could not comfort it. Understanding the new situation of your daughter/daughter in law can help you find a way of helping her especially at the beginning. But it is also important to ask the new parents how you can help them or if they need help. Sometimes one will need to accept that they want to be for themselves and that they need time to figure out how they want their life to be, how they can be parents but also be husband and wife.

As a first time mother I can tell you that I was very thankful to my mother-in-law and to my mother for coming to help out with the baby when we came home from hospital. I only recently became a mother. My son was born at 31. weeks and had to stay in hospital for seven weeks. As my husband and I do not live near our family they both flew out to help us while the baby was still in hospital and then later when we could take our baby home. I got a lot of practice in hospital as the nurses encouraged me to learn how to change nappies and bath my boy etc.. But having my mother-in-law and my mother around helped me become more confident. Furthermore they helped me by doing things in the house. I did not have to worry about cooking, going shopping or doing washing. Now we are alone again and it is nice to be just my husband, me and our boy. But it would be nice to go out to eat with my husband or have a couple of hours alone with him and knowing that the baby is in good hands. I think it is important not to forget your relationship and it helps having grandparents around to get a break from motherhood. 

If you are a parent tell us how did you need help in the first few weeks after you came home from hospital? And if you are grandparent tell us how you tried helping the new family when they came home? Did you find it difficult to figure out what the family needed without overstepping?