To sleep or not to sleep that is the question

We have not been sleeping well since my little munchkin was born 18 months ago. Actually I have not been sleeping well since the pregnancy because I was uncomfortable and I needed to wee all the time. And when he was in hospital we did not sleep well because we were worried and when he came home he would only sleep on us. Then at some point we were able to get him to sleep next to us. It was a huge improvement to before but it definitely was very far from ideal. 

Last Wednesday I finally started teaching him to fall asleep by himself because that way he can send himself to sleep when he wakes up at night. But that is not the only reason why I needed to teach him to sleep alone. I also needed him give him a push to independence. He needed to separate from me to be able to develop.

I was dreading it. I really was. I was going from "I can't do it" to "I must do it" to "my poor baby how can I do this to him". I did not let him cry it out in the traditional way. I sat next to him and I was with him the whole time and he in the end fell asleep with my hand on his back. It was quicker than I thought and he has been doing really well. Last night he slept through the night! It really was not how I thought it would be. Somehow when you read blogs and articles and books about it you just think it is going to be a nightmare. You think you won't sleep for 2 weeks or more. But it isn't so bad if you are consistent. If you choose a sleep training method that you are comfortable with and you a ready to follow through then it will be okay. Look I don't know what tomorrow will bring. Maybe tomorrow he will cry for 3 hours. Maybe tonight he will wake up and I will have a nightmare. MAYBE but whatever it is I will be able to manage and so will he. 

I just wonder what would have been if I had done it sooner. And why did i not do it sooner? Because I was not ready. I was not ready to let go. I stopped my child from developing although he was ready to. He was ready to grow up, to not be an infant anymore. I am using the word infant because I can not say baby because he is still a baby. A baby toddler. I thought I would feel guilty about sleep training him, about letting him cry, about making him do something he did not want to do. But now I feel guilty that I did not do it sooner. I was traumatised by what happened to him and me when he was born.  I needed him close, I was afraid he would die. I needed him to be in my bed. Maybe he needed it at the beginning but I think he was ready before I was.

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.

They may not mean to, but they do.

They fill you with the faults they had

And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn

By fools in old-style hats and coats,

Who half the time were soppy-stern

And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.

It deepens like a coastal shelf.

Get out as early as you can,

And don't have any kids yourself.” 

― Philip Larkin

Haha always think of this poem when I think I am being a "bad parent" :) 

I am not saying you should sleep train, I am just saying if you are worried about it than don't be. Children adapt so quickly to change and has my husband always said to me: "try to remember that the situation as it is, is not "Right". He is not supposed to need you to fall asleep so you are teaching him an important skill. You are doing it for him and for yourself"

So when sleep training is over who wants to go out and party with me. 

Jemanden etwas gönnen

Jemandem etwas gönnen (this is German for everyone here who does not speak german) means to be happy for someone without feeling envious. In English there is no word that describes exactly that. Or maybe there is but I definitely did not find it. It is such a great word and it is even better can do exactly that. I think it is something that people find very hard. It is easy to be happy for someone but secretly be envious of them. But does that mean that you are actually not happy for them?
I am trying to become better at it because there are situations where I really find it hard to feel that way for people. For a long time I hated pregnant women. Then I got to the point that I could tolerate them, then I was happy for them but I was crazy jealous and now I gönnen. Such a good word. I sound like Miranda. OH MY GOD if you do not know what I am talking about then you have to watch the series. YOU HAVE TO.

YOU SEE? ISN'T SO FUNNY!

It is silly to be jealous and really just hard for oneself. I think it makes you a less happy person. I did not want to feel that way. I never want to feel that way and also if I am aware of it I cannot just change my feelings. It just does not work that way. Well not with me. People say it is normal to feel envious of other pregnant women when one had a preemie and a traumatic birth.

Can one learn to gönnen? I think that some people just find it easier than others. Maybe people who are generally happy with their lives. Maybe the happier you are for someone the less envious you will feel. Maybe the more involved you get the less you can feel jealous because you see how happy the person is. Maybe the more you love the person the more you want them to be happy. And maybe (this is my last maybe) the more aware you are of your feelings the more control you have over them. I am not saying that you can say "I am not going to be angry anymore" or "I am not going to be sad" but I think that if you feel consciously then you can work against those feelings but it is struggle. And you will always find yourself in a situation where a friend or family member has something that you want and can't have or they are living a life that you wish you could live or you know. There is always going to be situations where you need to gönnen. For your own sake because it will make you a happier person. And if it makes you feel any better. Everyone is struggling with it not just you.


PS: After reading what I read again I had to laugh because I used the word "gönnen" as an english verb like I do when I speak to Simon or my parents. I am very much aware that I do it not just with that word :) That is what it is like when you grow up with two languages.

forgive and forget

Forgive and forget, that is something that a lot people have trouble with especially me.  I spend a lot of time and energy being angry with people. Sometimes I will think I have forgiven someone only to realize that I actually have not. My heart will start racing and I will feel like I did then. It's stupid and makes no sense. I will never tell the person I haven't forgiven them so in the end I am only hurting myself. And I am just has hard on myself as on everyone else. I will not forget stupid things I said or did. I will replay scenarios in my head again and again. I will torture myself with ifs and whys again and again. It's unbearable.

I wish I was more like Simon my husband.

He is the most forgiving person I know. And not only that, he will also forget. He will never bring it up again, never use it against you in a fight a few weeks, months or years later, and he won't want to talk about it for hours to make you feel even worse than you already do and to apologize for the hundredth time. 

I am really lucky, he on the other hand is screwed. But to be fair he knew what he was getting into because I always told him that I have trouble forgiving.

In the series "Private Practice" Adison, who is the main character of the show tells her therapist that she thinks her boyfriend is a better person than her. I sometimes believe that too about me and Simon. I think being able to forgive makes you a better person because it means you can accept people for who they are including their mistakes and flaws. No? They are definitely happier people. But can one learn to forgive? Is there still hope for me?

Just another blog?!

At first I thought I would delete all the things I wrote here before I changed the name but then I decided not to.
I love looking at blogs and in my head I would love to have a fashion blog but I am just not that kind of person who likes to pose infront of a camera day in and day out. Also I just don't have the money to but myself new clothes every week. Then there are the food blogs that I love looking at and I was thinking of sharing my recipes online but my pictures will never resemble the ones you find online. My food taste nice I know that but I wouldn't say it looks beautiful. And you should see my cakes and muffins. I always love the idea of baking but then in the middle of it I think to myself:"why did you think this would be a good idea?" And I just wish I could stop, sit on the couch and hope that the fairy godmother will come and clear up the mess I created in the kitchen. I am one of these people who always has to fish out eggs shells from the bowl and reads the recipe 100 times and still gets something wrong. Somehow and don't ask me how it tastes quite nice at the end thank god otherwise the 2 hours I spent baking were a complete waste of time. But again I do not want to share these experiences with anyone. I do not even want to relive them while writing about them. So what else?
I thought I would share my experiences as a new mother but that didn't work out either for many reasons . One of them was that I was fed up talking about it. When you become a mother it seems like the only topic you have with your other mother friends. Is you child walking yet? What does he eat? How does he sleep? If you are not a parent and you overheard these conversations you would think that mothers are the most boring people on the world. And of course we are not. Babies and their development are fascinating but I decided that I didn't also want to write about it. A few weeks ago my husband, son and I were invited for dinner to a gay couple who invited a few other people too. None of them had kids and for the first few hours I just ran around their flat trying to stop my son from opening all their cupboards or breaking something. I didn't do a very good job because he did break something. And although they said it was fine I did feel bad about it and thought they would never invite us again. Anyway what I really wanted to say is that my son went to sleep at 9 and I put him down on their couch and there he slept till we left. For three hours I was myself again. We didn't talk about babies or pregnancies or births. And when we left I told them that they made me feel young again which they thought was funny because I was the youngest at the table. It was the first time since my son was born that I felt like the old me. The me that has fallen into the shadow of the new mummy me. That's how it is but I realized that I needed evenings like that more often so I decided that it was time to sleep train my child so that me and my husband could go out in the evenings every now and then. I haven't done it yet because my beloved child has been ill non stop.
I also wanted to talk about grandparenthood? Why you might ask! Very good question. I wrote my bachelor thesis about it and I thought I would share my thoughts about the subject. Unfortunately it took me a whole day to write one post because everything I know about the subject is saved in my brain in German. I studied psychology in Germany so everything I did was in German. And it is very difficult to transfer this information into English. I don't know why I have such a hard time with it but maybe if you are bilingual you will understand and feel the same way.

So you might think after reading all this what on earth is this blog going to be about? It's going to be about everything and anything. Everything that fascinates me this could be a book I am reading, the tree in a park, my son, my friends, my husband, who knows. The world is our oyster let's explore it and talk about it. Also I am hoping this is going to keep me sane. The last few nights I have been up with my son because he has a cold= he sleeps even worse then he normally does and needs to be carried around for hours during the night. At some point I drove him around at 4 in the morning. It doesn't just sound crazy, it is crazy. I need something that will keep me sane, something that is mine. And also if I have only one person who reads my post and feels a little inspired or understood then that is enough for me. So what do you think? Should we start our journey?!

Do you know what it feels like for a NICU mum?

I have been reading alot about having a premature baby and about all the different kinds of feelings one experiences after one has given birth. A lot talk about feeling guilty because mothers often believe that it is their fault, that they could have done something to stop it. Or they feel angry because they just do not understand why this has happened to them. Anyway. I was thinking a lot about how it was for me when I gave birth. And for a long time I did not feel anything but anxiety for my child. There was so much adrenaline inside of me that did not allow me to think about myself. It was only much later when my son was doing much better already when all these feelings appeared.

I was angry but I was already angry when they diagnosed my son and told us that he would have to have an operation after birth. I just did not understand why god would allow something like that to happen to a baby. I also felt like that when my baby was born. My husband never was angry with god and he is a real believer. I at some point during the pregnancy said I can not believe in a god who would do something like that. But in the end when my son was born I prayed for him to get better. I prayed for him not to suffer too much. While I am writing this my son is lying on me, sleeping and snoring. It is such a sweet noise. Sometimes he lies on his dad and they both snore away together. It always makes me smile. Later I  was angry that I  could not take care of my baby like I  wanted. I had to ask when I wanted to hold him. I could not change his nappy or hold him when he cried. I wasn't allowed to see him for 6 hours during the day because there were rounds or ultrasounds or something. There was always something going on.  It was so frustrating that I was told to leave my baby crying because there was a shift change or I do not what. I often refused to leave till someone came to comfort him. The doctors and the nurses hated me but what do I care. You have to fight for your child, you have to protect him. 

I was sad that I did not get to be pregnant for 9 months. That I did not get the experience of having a huuuuuge belly. Most people say that I should be happy and I did not miss anything: Everybody complains about the 9 month. And yes I am sure one feels terrible but I think the body and your psychic needs to go through that stage. It is you getting ready to have the baby. I was never ready to have the baby. It was like they ripped him out of me. And I missed him. When I went home it felt like I had forgotten something. When I was out shopping for the baby stuff it just did not feel right, I was not pregnant any more but I also did not have my baby with me. I do not know what it is like when you start bleeding and you have contractions and you know it is too early but there is nothing you can do. I can imagine that it must be very scary. But at least your body experiences natural contractions. Your body gets ready to give birth and if you are "lucky" you can give birth normally. I was told I had to give birth today, they operated, cut him out and they took him. They took him away from me. And yes I know it was because they could take better care of him then I could: It was safer for him to be born. How does it make you feel to hear that? I will tell you. it makes you feel inadequate.

And now I realised  that I felt alone. I was not really alone. my husband was with me in hospital every day for the first month. When I was still recovering from the operation he did not leave the hospital. Even at night when he could not be with me in the room. Stupid rules. He was amazing but I felt alone. He did not understand what I was feeling, nobody understood what I felt. I do not even think the other mothers in the NICU understand. Everybody has their own story. And  No words can really explain this feeling. 

I was afraid of everything. The machines, the nurses, the doctors. I was afraid that I would never bond properly with my child. I was afraid that my baby would have all sorts of psychological problems. He probably will. But all I can do is do my best and as Winnicott says be "a good enough mother".

And now I am going to say something that I do not feel good about. But I was jealous. I was jealous of all the mothers who could take their babies home. At first it was just the mothers who were not in the NICU. Then it was women who were still pregnant and then it was mothers in the NICU. Of course I was happy for them, You becomes friends with these women, you talk about everything because everything comes up when you are sitting together in the pumping room. But you still feel jealous when they can go home and you remain. The worst time for me was when more then half the babies went home and some of them babies who came after us. And I knew that some of these mothers had been in the NICU for much longer then we had. But still they were going home. I felt guilty about feeling that way. I can assure you one does not want to feel that way. 

I feel guilty that my child had to go through such horrible things. And I feel guilty that he now has to get tests done that are uncomfortable and bother him a lot. He is now much more aware of things which makes it even harder. And sometimes I feel guilty that I did not go to the doctor earlier. But how could I have known that I did not have enough amniotic fluid? You can think now she is an idiot she should have noticed that it was leaking out  but it was not!! It was in him. That is why he lost so much weight after birth. Yes it is normal for him to lose weight but not so much. I couldn't have known. But I feel like I should have! You know?

Pumping, Breastfeeding and everything else

When I breastfeed my little boy I feel it is a little miracle. Usually breastfeeding is a natural thing for mothers and babies. And believe me when I was pregnant I had this idea of holding my baby for the first time and trying to breastfeed him. I wondered what it would feel like, wonder how I would feel about it. Well it never happened that way. Well of course there was a first time I tried breastfeeding but it wasn't nice and it wasn't anything like I imagined it would be.
It was me sitting next to the incubator, with curtains closed which always made me feel a bit claustrophobic. I was scared of his catheter falling out, is oxygen dropping and his heart rate being too high. I was just worried about everything. And he could not do it at all. He took it in his mouth and did not like it. He had no idea what he had to do.
He always got breast milk though because I always expressed milk. That was romantic: a machine on my breast pulling at them. And the noise just drove me crazy. Because I was not making enough milk I had to do it every two hours. My life consisted of either waiting to see my baby, being with my baby or pumping. For a long time he could not even eat with a bottle. The poor little thing had a feeding tube which was actually pretty cool because the nurses were able to suck out the air that was in in tummy. For the first few weeks of his life he never had tummy problems. Sometimes I wish I could suck the air out of my tummy. It would make me feel so much better :)
When you see my baby boy eat now you would not think that a couple of months ago he hated eating. He used to eat 10 cc and fall asleep. It was like he had no interest in eating. Sometimes I felt like I wanted to scream. I just could not understand why it was taking him so much longer then other babies. I think if he could he would eat now all the time. 24 hours. Even when he is sleeping he would like to eat. He makes these sweet sucking movements when he is sleeping. It looks so cute.

So when did he start eating properly? 

He was on a very strict routine: Feeding was every three hours, not earlier and not later. And somehow it did not agree with him. He wanted to eat when he wanted to. So at some point, after I had a "nervous breakdown" the doctors decided that we were allowed to feed him on demand. They were only really able to do that because I was there all day. The nurses do not have time to feed the babies every 1- 2 hours that is why they have this schedule. After that he did it. It was a miracle. 

Did I just say nervous breakdown?  It was not exactly that but I was under a lot of stress. The urologist ordered a specific instrument for the operation and because the hospital has money problems they were not prepared to pay for it. The doctor said that we might have to go to a different hospital if the hospital does not get it's act together. And the other thing was that Dan was doing great with eating for the whole day and then in the evening he did not eat his whole bottle. He was tired after his bath and instead of just leaving him the nurse insisted in giving him the feeding tube again. I was so angry because it was just one feed. They did not really have to be worried about his weight any more so it was not the end of the world that he did not finish his bottle. But anyway. They put the feeding tube back in and I could not stop crying. Everybody knew about it. At that point I was not any more the nudniky mother (nudnik means something like pushy), I was also the mother who cried. They probably thought I was unstable or something. 

anyway back to breastfeeding. when I left the hospital I was breastfeeding him once a day. And when I came home it was really hard to pump, feed him and do all the other things I had to do in house. Going out was also hard because he needed to eat so I always needed to bring a bottle with me but I also needed to pump. And you can not pump in public! OR have you ever seen someone express milk in a restaurant? No of course you have not.  And it is one thing to wake up at night and stick your baby to your breast but to actually get up warm a bottle while your baby is crying in the other room and your husband getting annoyed that he is not getting enough sleep,... Again. And although the nurses said I should not start breastfeeding him more then once a day I did. I started feeding him at night which made the nights so much more bearable. And then I do not remember when but at some point I stopped pumping and was able to only breastfeed. No more sterilising, no more pumping, no more bottles. I am glad that I expressed milk. The doctors always said it is the best medicine that you can give him and also if it was uncomfortable and hurt sometimes you do what you need to for your child. No? But then you should do what is best for you. If you do not feel comfortable breastfeeding then you should not do it because your baby will know that you are not enjoying it. And if you can not breastfeed then you should also accept that. I always said to myself that if I can not breastfeed then it is not the end of the world. My whole pregnancy did not work out the way I imagined it so it would not have been a surprise if that also had not worked out. It is funny now a days I think women feel the pressure of having to breastfeed but there was once a time when women did not even consider it. It was completely normal to just bottle feed your baby and if you did decide to breastfeed you were "weird". It is strange how the world goes through phases. Important is though that you do what you want to do and not what society wants. On Facebook I sometimes see people posting about their problems with breastfeeding, some women say they do not enjoy it but they still struggle to do it. I think that is the wrong way to go. Or? What do you think?


I miss now seeing my husband feed our son. It was probably a way for them to bond which they do not have any more. But they have other ways to bond. And he is so happy for me that it worked out for me. And I am happy too that it worked out for me. And Dan is also very happy that it worked out :) 

The End

Smiling

A couple of weeks ago (25th of January to be exact) my little man smiled for the first time. I can't say that he smiled at me because he did not. It was early in the morning and he had kept me up from 5 till 7. He woke up to eat but then was in such a good mood that he did not want to go back to sleep. Trying to get him to sleep just made him angry, so he played. I call it play because I do not know what else to call it. He lies in his bed or on his playmat and looks at pictures. He loves looking at himself in a mirror without realising of course that it is him he is seeing. Anyway at 7 he finally goes back to sleep. So at 9 (a more civilized hour to wake up) he wakes up, eats and then needs changing. He is looking and looking and suddenly he smiles. And this time it is not his reflex smile. It is a proper smile. His eyes smile too. And he does it again this time he makes a funny sound that could be a laughing noise. I get so excited I reach for the camera and try to take a picture. It was the most beautiful thing in the world. I don't know what he was smiling at or about. Maybe he was just feeling happy, maybe it was the colourful duvet covert that he likes looking at or maybe he knew that he gave me a hard night and he wanted to do something nice for his mummy. First smile is one of the most wonderful things in the world and to me every smile that came after that is still the most beautiful thing in the world.

Two days ago for example I was singing him a German song about a cat that dances alone till an animal comes and wants to dance with her. Every time it is a different animal. She always declines the offer because of something but then the animal comes closer to her and says something in her ear. You don't know what the animal actually says so you just say giberish at that point of the song. So I whisper in my sons ear: pshpshspshsoshosh. And he starts smiling. Maybe it was he feeling in his ear maybe it was something completely different but it was so special because I felt like he was reacting to something that I did. At this point he still had not smiled back at me.

And then today, again a difficult night, let me explain the scenario: He was ready to sleep, he was fed, dry but fussy for some reason best known to himself. He fell asleep for 10 minutes at a time then woke up again. I was ready to sleep, my husband was snoring already next to me but my little son did not want to sleep. I felt like there was nothing I could do to make him settle. So in the end I gave up on sleep and sat in the living room to watch an episode of Dr. House. At some point he finally went to sleep and then the night became better but it was already 2:30. This morning I had to get up early because I had to take Dan to the kidney doctor, so no sleeping in for Mummy. I started feeding Dan and then he stopped eating and he made his fart face which is basically him opening his eyes wide and squeezing his mouth together. Suddenly I hear loudest fart ever, I look at him and laugh.And he looks at me and smiles back. For the first time he smiled back at me. IT WAS INCREDIBLE.

At least once a day my husband can hear me scream "HE'S SMILING". very sure it won't change for a very long time: If you are a parent or a grandparent I can just advice you to enjoy every smile, every sweet noise the baby makes, enjoy everything. They grow up so quickly.