Videos that you should watch!!!

Infants need us for comfort but in this experiment you will see that they need us also for reassurance. They can not act in an unknown situation without us.

Secure or insecure attachment? 

Children need interaction. Have a look :)

so sweet and funny!!

When are children aware of themselves?

At about the age of 4 children realise that people have their own mind which means that they have different feelings and thoughts then oneself. It is called the theory of mind. Here have a look. Quite funny to watch the experiments:

How to help your grandchild through a divorce

Grandparents can play an important role for grandchildren whose parents are getting a divorce. 

Why?
Often the grandparents are the most important caregivers within the family (after the parents of course). You are the person who knows the child the longest and you have had the most consistent relationship to the child after the parents. And now the child can experience that even if his/her parents separate there are family relationships that remain the same. This can give your grandchild security which is important in his difficult time.

It is not going to become easier

You have to realise that grandparenting becomes more complicated if your child is getting a divorce. You will be afraid to seem disloyal towards your child if you visit your grandchild at your child's ex-spouse. You will worry about the other grandparents feelings like they do not see their child enough or you will worry that you have share your little time with your grandchild with them and then of course you are afraid that your child's ex- spouse will not let you see your grandchild on a regular basis. And as I said before your relationship to your grandchild becomes more important. It is not anymore  just about babysitting, making your grandchild his favourite food and buying presents. You have a bigger responsibility now or not, if you do not want to. But I am guessing you would not be reading this if you did not want to help your grandchild. 

What can you do for your child? 

Help out at home and just be there

The single parent often lives under economic pressure and needs more support in everyday life. You can ask yourself if you would like to help this parent by looking after the child/children once a week after school or nursery so that the parent can emotionally "recharge". If you have the ability you can try to support the family financially in order to provide the grandchild with certain options e.g. Dance lessons, private tutoring, etc.. 
Be there for your child. As I said in my earlier post it is an emotional and stressful time for your child. Your child is not expecting any advice what he/she really wants is just someone who will listen to not just her problems but also her worries about the children (e.g. how they are going to handle the divorce, is it going to have a negative effect on them...)

What can you do for your grandchild? 

Be the oasis of no change

Your house should be a place where everything has remained the same as before. Maybe it will be your grandchild safe place. A place where your grandchild will be able to talk about his feelings. But do not force them to talk about it if they do not want to. Do not ask questions if they do not bring up the topic. A safe place also means a place where they do not have to think about everything that is going on at home, a place where for a while everything is just fine. 

Talk to your child about your grandchild 

If your grandchild brings up something important in a conversation to you try to talk to your child about it. Ask yourself first will it be possible to change the situation or is it important for his/her situation that the parents know about it?! And only if the answer is yes, then you should try talking to your child about it. Try doing it in a non accusing way as the divorce and everything around is a sensitive topic for your child. He/she might be upset that your grandchild was not able to talk to him/her. 

Make your grandchild feel it is okay however he/she feels. 

Often children feel like they are not allowed to feel a certain way  for example if he/she is angry with the parent who has left, or if he/she does not wants to live with daddy and not with mummy. It is important that your grandchild has a place where he/she can express his/her emotions. 

Grandchildren of divorced parents

I was not able to post anything yesterday because I was ill and could not do anything but lie in bed. So me and my little boy spend all day in bed. He was a really good boy. I think he knew I was not feeling well. Today I am writing something about grandchildren of divorced parents. 

A  lot of marriages end in divorce. I do not think it is relevant to bring up numbers as it is not important for the subjet.
So let us first see what it means for the family.

For the spouses a divorce is a  very emotional time especially if one of the spouses does not want to separate. They have to deal with feelings of resentment, anger and loss. But also if both parents agree to the divorce the transition is difficult for them.The spouse relationship does not exist any more but the parental relationship has to continue. It is very difficult for spouses to achieve that. The single parent often feels overwhelmed and the parent who is not entitled to custody feels isolated from the child.

Divorce is a process: at first the spouses think about separation but they are still ambivalent, second they go through with the separation and one of the spouses has to move out of their joint house and third the legal divorce. The legal divorce often is a fight about money and custody of the children. In all three phases the needs of the child stay unnoticed.

For the child the divorce of the parents is very stressful. The only form of a family life is collapsing and they feel abandoned by the parent with whom it no longer live together even if the child still sees the parent regularly. Often the child develops the fear that the other parent could also leave him. Many children feel guilty for the separation of their parents, think it is their fault. You, as a grandparent, can provide stability in this situation. It would be unrealistic to ask you to have a neutral attitude to the divorce. It is normal that you take sides, whether it is on your own child or your son in law/daughter in law. But it is important that in front of your grandchild you keep your feelings to yourself. 

Soothing a colicky baby

I am sorry to tell you that nothing will work like magic. Every child is different and it is just try and error. Here are some things that you can try or tell your daughter/ daughter-in-law to try out, I hope that something will work. 

Often the baby swallows a lot of air and get terrible wind. So you can try using a hot water bottle. Do not use boiling water because it will be too hot for the baby. Wrap the bottle in a towel and place it on you and then lie the baby on you. You probably know from yourself when you have wind that warmth makes you feel better. It's worth a try. 

Try massaging the tummy. Warm your hands before you touch your babies tummy and then gently massage him. It might release trapped wind. 

Bath you baby. You should only try that if your grandchild likes bathing. My little boy hated bathing, he used to cry through it. But if the baby enjoys bathing it can help him/her relax. 

You have to accept that sometimes you can not soothe your grandchild. He/She will cry and you won't be able do anything about it. Stay calm and just be the baby. I know it is hard to bare the crying but your grandchild will know that you are there. Try to contain him/her.

You can try swaddling your grandchild. They say it is like being back in the womb. I tried swaddling my boy but it does not do anything. It actually makes him more upset. Some people swear on it and they say their baby sleeps through the night because they swaddle him/her. You just have to try it out. 

Try different positions. Try to figure out in which position your grandchild is most comfortable. I found out that kangarooing soothes my baby. Kangaroo care means that your chest is bare and the baby is naked too. The skin to skin contact and hearing my heart beat calms him down and I enjoy it too.

White noise should help soothe a child but it drives me mad!! I found on YouTube eight hours of white noise. It might have soothed my baby but it definitely did not calm me down. I put music on that I listened to when I was pregnant. Research showed that music that you listened to while you were pregnant soothes the baby because they somehow remember it. 

Start moving! A vibrating infant seat, put him in the car and drive around, put him in a swing. I heard once a mother put her baby in the carseat and let him sit on the dryer when it was on. She felt guilty about it but I think if it does not harm the baby and it calm him/her down then do it and do not feel bad about it. You can also try putting the baby in a sling and carrying him/her around. That is how you can get things done too.

My husband welcomed me yesterday in the world of colicky babies. I studied psychology, I heard about what colic means. I read about it, tried to think of different ways of soothing a child. Now I am actually in the situation and I just think you had no idea what you were talking about. So all I can say now: try to stay calm and get help from family or friends. 

Was your child colicky? Or your grandchild has colic? What helped, what did not? Share with us your experience and help other grandparents and parents!!!

Infantile colic

Crying is a biological signal and the most effective and important form of communication. With this signal the baby is able to communicate his needs like hunger, thirst, feeling hot or cold, needing to be close to somebody. Crying is a very intense signal because it should motivate the parents to immediately react and find out what the baby needs and relieve them for their discomfort.
A baby is only diagnosed with infantile colic if the episode of crying is more than three hours a day, for more than three days a week for a three week duration. You will notice that the baby normally starts crying at the same time (late afternoon) and that the cry is high pitch and louder then normally. Often the infants won't lie on their backs or tummies. It leads to that the parents walk around with the baby for hours and hours. The change of stimulation calms the baby down for a couple of minutes but it leads to a over stimulation and exhaustion. 
I think at this point it is not really so important to discuss why some babys get it and some don't. I think it is more important to imagine what it is like for the parents of these babys. That is how you become a good support system for the family.

The parents can become chronically agitated and it leads to the feeling of helplessness, aggression, worthlessness, insecurity,  fear of failing and depression. The parental skills become restricted and it makes it even harder for them to calm their baby. Often the relationship will suffer as they are both agitated and have no time for themselves. 

A social network is very important in times like these. Mothers need a time out, need to get back her energy so that she can the strength and the patience to be able to calm her baby. You as a grandparent can be a very important resource. 

How do you think you can help your children in a times like this? If you are a mother or a father who has a colicky baby tell us how you need help? What do you need your parents to do for you?

10 great ways to help out

1. Ask before coming over. It is great for the new parents to have you around and help out and of course you also want to spend time with your grandchild. It is important though that you respect that they might have plans or they just want to be for themselves so before coming over call and ask if it is a good time for them.

2. Babysitting is a great way for you to spend time with your grandchild and your daughter/daughter-in- law is able to catch up with sleep or have a shower in peace without being afraid that she won't hear the baby cry. 

3. Go shopping. If you have been out with a baby recently you know how difficult it is to do anything really. Shopping is stressful because you are trying not to wake the baby while looking at the shelves, trying to figure out what you need to buy. And as soon as you stop you hear the baby waking up so you race around the shop like a mad man and in the end you don't buy anything you really need. Then you arrive home, thankfully the baby is still sleeping and you try carrying the baby and the shopping into the flat. I live on the forth floor without a lift so you can imagine how thankful I am when someone else goes shopping for me.

4. Make dinner or lunch. As my baby was a preemie our baby had to stay in hospital for nearly two months. We left the house at 7 and I spent all day with the baby in hospital. My husband used to come after work and we left the hospital normally at about 11 to go home. We did not have time to go shopping or make food. Unfortunately our families don't live near us so most of the time we did not have one of our mothers here to mother us. But my husband thankfully has great colleagues and they prepared us food for us. It was amazing and I was/am very thankful to them. So I think it is a great way to help out. It is one thing less one has to worry about!

5. It is important that you help out because YOU want to. You probably have your own life, maybe you are still working so if it does not fit into your schedule don't pressure yourself to go over. 

6. Encourage your daughter/ daughter-in-law that she is doing great. Try to create an environment where she feels safe and confident. It will make her like having you around.  

7. Spend time with the older children! is the new baby is the second, third or forth then the older children will need your attention more then ever because their mother and father (especially their mother) have a lot to do with the new baby. Take them out in the afternoon, pick them up from nursery or school, be there or them.

8.Deal with the washing. Do you know how much washing a baby creates? I really did not think it was as much as it is. When you go over put a load of washing on or fold the clean washing that has been sitting in the dryer for the whole day. I am sure it will be very much appreciated!!

9.Go shopping for clothes with your daughter/daughter-in-law. Not immediately after birth but a couple of months later her pregnancy clothes will be too big for her but her old normal clothes will still not fit her. Suggest going shopping with her. Your job will be to be with the baby while she is trying on clothes. 

10. Keep your opinion to yourself. Do not be judgmental about decisions they make. But if you really feel like you need to share your opinion think before you speak. Try to find a way of sharing without being judgmental. Ask yourself how you would have wanted your mother/mother-in-law to speak to you when your children were little. Maybe ask them if you can tell them what you think and respect if they ask you not to. 


I think one of the most important thing to remember is that you should help out because you want to not because you feel obligated. AND ENJOY YOUR GRANDCHILD! They grow up so quickly. 

Are you a grandparent?  Tell us what did your family want you to help out with? Or are you a mother or a father then tell us how your parents helped or did not? what is a no go for you?

Interacting with your grandchild

One does not realise but an infant is always looking to socially interact with another human being. At first the interaction means being close to someone and later to feel internally close. Feeling internally close to the mother of example means to be able to internalize her. To know that she is still there also if she is not in the room. Being able to internalize is important for the development of a secure attachment. The relationship to the main caretaker (usually the mother) is  foundation for the relationships the child will establish later in life. It is important that one can emphasise with the baby and be sensitive to the babys needs (Grossmann & Grossmann, 2009).

Moreover the main caretaker needs to react appropriately. What does it mean to react appropriately? For example when a baby shows that he wants to play and explore then it is important to let him. Give him the room that he needs but be there as a secure basis. This means that you allow the child return when feelings of anxiety arise. An inappropriate way to react would be if the mother tried sending her baby to sleep or try feeding her. This reaction would lead to a frustration.

I will give you one more example: If a baby wakes up and starts crying and the mother does not react to this cry then the mother will have not reacted appropriately. An infant does not cry for no reason. Sometimes the baby will cry because he is hungry, or feel a discomfort. Sometimes babys cry because the they are afraid or they want to be close to someone. If one does not react to a babys cry the baby will give up at some point and believe that here is nobody out there who will help him. That why it is important to react to the infant without delay. An infant is not able to connect a delayed of the parent with his signal. Moreover should one should remember that the infant does not realise that the mother is not part of him. He needs someone to react to his discomfort as he is depended on someone to relieve him from it. That doesn't mean that you are spoiling your grandchild or that the parents are spoiling your grandchild. You should encourage the parents of your grandchild to react promptly if they don't.

I would like to share with you an incredible video that shows how important it is for a child that the people around him socially interact with it. This video shows an experiment called "still- face" by Dr. Edward Tronick. I won't explain the experiment to you as it will take away the effect of the video.

How did you feel after watching this video? Did you think the baby would react in such an extreme way?

New family

How does a family change when a new baby arrives? What does it mean for husband and wife? How can grandparents help in this overwhelming time?

A new baby changes the life of a woman and a man. The dyadic relationship becomes a triadic relationship with their new child. It is important that the father is not excluded otherwise the dyadic relationship shifts to the mother and child. Furthermore the new parents have to identify with their new role. Mothers often have to give up their job, at least for a while and they have to look after the baby that depends so much on her. Of course during pregnancy one realises that life is going to change but I believe one does not fully understand what that means until the baby comes into the world.

According to Daniel Stern new mothers seek female company especially women who have had children. Woman who are first time mothers need encouragement and support from other women to give them confidence and reassurement, that they are doing their best in looking after their child. As a grandmother it is important to create an environment where your daughter or daughter-in-law feels save to discover her abilities as a mother.

„It should be noted that mothers who have it in them to provide good- enough care can be enabled to do better by being cared for themselves in a way that acknowledges the essential nature of their task“(Winnicott, 1985)

Try to remember what it was like when you had your first child? Do you maybe remember being afraid of doing things wrong or the feeling of helplessness when the baby cried and you could not comfort it. Understanding the new situation of your daughter/daughter in law can help you find a way of helping her especially at the beginning. But it is also important to ask the new parents how you can help them or if they need help. Sometimes one will need to accept that they want to be for themselves and that they need time to figure out how they want their life to be, how they can be parents but also be husband and wife.

As a first time mother I can tell you that I was very thankful to my mother-in-law and to my mother for coming to help out with the baby when we came home from hospital. I only recently became a mother. My son was born at 31. weeks and had to stay in hospital for seven weeks. As my husband and I do not live near our family they both flew out to help us while the baby was still in hospital and then later when we could take our baby home. I got a lot of practice in hospital as the nurses encouraged me to learn how to change nappies and bath my boy etc.. But having my mother-in-law and my mother around helped me become more confident. Furthermore they helped me by doing things in the house. I did not have to worry about cooking, going shopping or doing washing. Now we are alone again and it is nice to be just my husband, me and our boy. But it would be nice to go out to eat with my husband or have a couple of hours alone with him and knowing that the baby is in good hands. I think it is important not to forget your relationship and it helps having grandparents around to get a break from motherhood. 

If you are a parent tell us how did you need help in the first few weeks after you came home from hospital? And if you are grandparent tell us how you tried helping the new family when they came home? Did you find it difficult to figure out what the family needed without overstepping?