I was angry but I was already angry when they diagnosed my son and told us that he would have to have an operation after birth. I just did not understand why god would allow something like that to happen to a baby. I also felt like that when my baby was born. My husband never was angry with god and he is a real believer. I at some point during the pregnancy said I can not believe in a god who would do something like that. But in the end when my son was born I prayed for him to get better. I prayed for him not to suffer too much. While I am writing this my son is lying on me, sleeping and snoring. It is such a sweet noise. Sometimes he lies on his dad and they both snore away together. It always makes me smile. Later I was angry that I could not take care of my baby like I wanted. I had to ask when I wanted to hold him. I could not change his nappy or hold him when he cried. I wasn't allowed to see him for 6 hours during the day because there were rounds or ultrasounds or something. There was always something going on. It was so frustrating that I was told to leave my baby crying because there was a shift change or I do not what. I often refused to leave till someone came to comfort him. The doctors and the nurses hated me but what do I care. You have to fight for your child, you have to protect him.
I was sad that I did not get to be pregnant for 9 months. That I did not get the experience of having a huuuuuge belly. Most people say that I should be happy and I did not miss anything: Everybody complains about the 9 month. And yes I am sure one feels terrible but I think the body and your psychic needs to go through that stage. It is you getting ready to have the baby. I was never ready to have the baby. It was like they ripped him out of me. And I missed him. When I went home it felt like I had forgotten something. When I was out shopping for the baby stuff it just did not feel right, I was not pregnant any more but I also did not have my baby with me. I do not know what it is like when you start bleeding and you have contractions and you know it is too early but there is nothing you can do. I can imagine that it must be very scary. But at least your body experiences natural contractions. Your body gets ready to give birth and if you are "lucky" you can give birth normally. I was told I had to give birth today, they operated, cut him out and they took him. They took him away from me. And yes I know it was because they could take better care of him then I could: It was safer for him to be born. How does it make you feel to hear that? I will tell you. it makes you feel inadequate.
I was sad that I did not get to be pregnant for 9 months. That I did not get the experience of having a huuuuuge belly. Most people say that I should be happy and I did not miss anything: Everybody complains about the 9 month. And yes I am sure one feels terrible but I think the body and your psychic needs to go through that stage. It is you getting ready to have the baby. I was never ready to have the baby. It was like they ripped him out of me. And I missed him. When I went home it felt like I had forgotten something. When I was out shopping for the baby stuff it just did not feel right, I was not pregnant any more but I also did not have my baby with me. I do not know what it is like when you start bleeding and you have contractions and you know it is too early but there is nothing you can do. I can imagine that it must be very scary. But at least your body experiences natural contractions. Your body gets ready to give birth and if you are "lucky" you can give birth normally. I was told I had to give birth today, they operated, cut him out and they took him. They took him away from me. And yes I know it was because they could take better care of him then I could: It was safer for him to be born. How does it make you feel to hear that? I will tell you. it makes you feel inadequate.
And now I realised that I felt alone. I was not really alone. my husband was with me in hospital every day for the first month. When I was still recovering from the operation he did not leave the hospital. Even at night when he could not be with me in the room. Stupid rules. He was amazing but I felt alone. He did not understand what I was feeling, nobody understood what I felt. I do not even think the other mothers in the NICU understand. Everybody has their own story. And No words can really explain this feeling.
I was afraid of everything. The machines, the nurses, the doctors. I was afraid that I would never bond properly with my child. I was afraid that my baby would have all sorts of psychological problems. He probably will. But all I can do is do my best and as Winnicott says be "a good enough mother".
And now I am going to say something that I do not feel good about. But I was jealous. I was jealous of all the mothers who could take their babies home. At first it was just the mothers who were not in the NICU. Then it was women who were still pregnant and then it was mothers in the NICU. Of course I was happy for them, You becomes friends with these women, you talk about everything because everything comes up when you are sitting together in the pumping room. But you still feel jealous when they can go home and you remain. The worst time for me was when more then half the babies went home and some of them babies who came after us. And I knew that some of these mothers had been in the NICU for much longer then we had. But still they were going home. I felt guilty about feeling that way. I can assure you one does not want to feel that way.
I feel guilty that my child had to go through such horrible things. And I feel guilty that he now has to get tests done that are uncomfortable and bother him a lot. He is now much more aware of things which makes it even harder. And sometimes I feel guilty that I did not go to the doctor earlier. But how could I have known that I did not have enough amniotic fluid? You can think now she is an idiot she should have noticed that it was leaking out but it was not!! It was in him. That is why he lost so much weight after birth. Yes it is normal for him to lose weight but not so much. I couldn't have known. But I feel like I should have! You know?
I was afraid of everything. The machines, the nurses, the doctors. I was afraid that I would never bond properly with my child. I was afraid that my baby would have all sorts of psychological problems. He probably will. But all I can do is do my best and as Winnicott says be "a good enough mother".
And now I am going to say something that I do not feel good about. But I was jealous. I was jealous of all the mothers who could take their babies home. At first it was just the mothers who were not in the NICU. Then it was women who were still pregnant and then it was mothers in the NICU. Of course I was happy for them, You becomes friends with these women, you talk about everything because everything comes up when you are sitting together in the pumping room. But you still feel jealous when they can go home and you remain. The worst time for me was when more then half the babies went home and some of them babies who came after us. And I knew that some of these mothers had been in the NICU for much longer then we had. But still they were going home. I felt guilty about feeling that way. I can assure you one does not want to feel that way.
I feel guilty that my child had to go through such horrible things. And I feel guilty that he now has to get tests done that are uncomfortable and bother him a lot. He is now much more aware of things which makes it even harder. And sometimes I feel guilty that I did not go to the doctor earlier. But how could I have known that I did not have enough amniotic fluid? You can think now she is an idiot she should have noticed that it was leaking out but it was not!! It was in him. That is why he lost so much weight after birth. Yes it is normal for him to lose weight but not so much. I couldn't have known. But I feel like I should have! You know?
